(In)Significance

This is something that I wrote during finals week but just decided to post.

It definitely was one of those days. Cold, rainy, finals week, gray. I felt so insignificant.
Having no finals, I volunteered my day to go into work for some extra hours, welcoming the extra money. But instead of sitting at home with nothing to do, I sat at a desk all day instead. Sure, I watered the plethora of poinsettias in the office, did minimal filing and answered a few phone calls, but the majority of my day was spent doing nothing of significance.
It was four thirty and time to go home. Joyfully I walked out of the office, looking forward to the time I was going to spend at home with my roommates. It was my night to cook and I was making a Wright Family specialty, Stinky Cheese Casserole. Right as I was about to throw it all in the casserole dish to cook, my phone rang.
A local number came up, urgently screaming for my attention. Resisting the urge to silence my phone and not answer, I picked up. It was Kelly, the older brother of the young man I tutor. He was wondering if I was coming in today, he was under the impression that I was going to be there at five; it was now forty-five minutes later. Racking my brain for any solid conversation with his mom the week earlier, I explained to Kelly that I was supposed to come in only if the needed me and was waiting for a call. Frazzled by the miscommunication and slightly frustrated, I told him that I would be there in twenty minutes.
Oh, how I did not want to go! I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home when I could read and go to bed early. So against my plans was what was being thrown in front of me!
As I drove to their house, I prayed that God would grant me an extra measure of patience. Knowing that I was tired and easily irritable, it was not the best time for me to engage in something demanding.
I arrived and Keegan was already sitting at his computer waiting for me. His assignment was out on his desk and he was staring intently at the words on the page. I hope he's focused today, I though to myself as I sat down. I don't know if I can handle it if he isn't.
Just my luck, for the first half hour Keegan was easily agitated, distracted, and panicked. The cerebral palsy acts up when the weather is cold outside and was giving him an extremely hard time today. His muscles contracted in his arms and pulled them close to his chest, his jaw pulled open wide and his breath happened in harsh-sounding gasps. It is a hard thing to watch when you know that you can do nothing to stop the pain you see in his eyes. The muscles contorted in ways that he did not intend. His hands were raw from unintentional biting, his fingers curling up into unbearably tight fists.
All I can do is watch. I try to encourage him to take deep breaths as he stares at me with wide eyes, undoubtedly thinking that if only he could control his breathing in a moment like this he would. But no words come out, only heavy, uncontrolled breathing. No words have ever come out, only very basic vowel sounds and yells of protests come from him, contributable to the advanced palsy.
Finally he calms down enough to focus and write his last rearing response for the semester. At this point I am already tired and my patience is wearing thinner every moment. I ask the Lord for more, and graciously the Lord lends me some.
We finish the assignment and I leave to go home. The radio gets turned off in the car as I drive down their street. I sigh loudly and start to pray. I tell the Lord of how worthless my day was, how I did nothing, how I produced nothing, how insignificant I was on the whole. As my thoughts formed into words spoken aloud to my Creator, my eyes welled up with tears. "Why, Lord? I've lived another day and yet have nothing to show for it. I've done nothing!"
I remembered James's words to the Jewish bretheren who were scattered abroad: Rejoice! If one was happy , rejoice; if one was mourning, rejoice; giving thanks to God in all circumstances. Desiring this in my own heart, I turned from the "woe is me" mindset to one that was thankful.
I remembered the ways in which the Lord redeems and loves me every moment I live, how He paid to set me free, how He loves me. I remember that He has adopted me as a daughter of grace, inviting me to sit at the table where I don't belong. When I am in the full love of the Lord, I cannot see my brokenness. Not one is insignificant to the Lord.