Good Gone Bad

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to grow up and become a mother and a wife. I can recall all the way back to pre-school when i was standing in line to get back from recess, telling the gril in front of me (who was wearing a purple flower dress) that I wanted to grow up and be a mom. The desire has only progressed since I've realized that boy's arent' really all that bad and taht cooties don't exist. My dream has only been confirmed as many people from friends in high school to college roommates and even some people who I have just met tell me that I will be a wonderful mom. One time I have been told otherwise. A good friend gave me a 4 of 10 on the "Wife Scale." Other than the joke, my odds have seemed pretty good.
This is where reality kicks in. I've only had one boyfriend, a whirlwhind of a relationship that only lasted 6 weeks. Its been almost two and a half years sincec, and I'm still single. At times I've been so unhappy and I cannot even begin to count how many times I've told my roommates, "I just want to be married! I"m ready NOW!" It has been something that I've wrongly placed my identity in. What started out as a dream has turned into a monster of a nightmare that I can't escape from.
Things got to the point where I was only counting down the years until I was going to get married. My thoughts would go wild. I daydreamed about our first house and what our children would look like, what pets we would have, the list could only go on. I was living in a dream world that was slowly eating all my thoughts and energy. I liked it there. I like it because while I was there, I was my own god.
Over Christmas break I finally figured out that I was living a lie. I could not go on playing house, for it was drawing me from my relationship with the One True God, the one who actually deserves to be God. I was not placing my hopes and trust in Him, rather in a false idol of hope in my mind. Its name was Marriage.
I realized that I was terrified of the thought of growing old alone and unmarried. Why would God give me such a desire to be married and not follow through? Why would He want to torment His beloved daughter with a life of loneliness? I believe that my idol, like most that men create, was innocent at first. But also like most sin, it started out little and we begin to build an immunity to it, until we fail to recognize it at all. It is only when we are called out on it or when we realize it ourselves that things start to change. The way it starts is when we take something beautiful which the LORD has created and turn it into something which it is not, or when we use it incorrectly. I was using the idea of marriage incorrectly.
So in turn for repentance of my sins, the LORD replaced my fear of loneliness with a peace that passes all understanding. He gave me peace and trust, knowing that no matter if I marry or not, He is with me. A life with God can never be lonely.