Tam's Life Notes

Messiah

2012-01-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything. - Plato

Music is the shorthand of emotion. - Leo Tolstoy

I listened to Handel's Messiah for the first time the summer after I graduated college. Sure, as a kid I made fun of the Hallelujah chorus, just like any other civilized (and slightly cultured) child would do, but I never had heard it in its entirety up until that point. But I have loved it since the moment I first listened to it. The beauty of the individual movements, as well as the piece as a whole, is one that has made itself a permanent home in my heart.

***True confessions: one of the only reasons I bought it was because I had a gift card. And because it was recommended to me by a guy I thought was cute***

Reasons to listen to Messiah:

1) It is more beautiful than any other thing I have heard.
2) Handle wrote it in an astonishing 24 days. Two hundred and fifty nine pages of sheet music in only 24 days.
3) It is a commentary on the person of Jesus--weaving together prophecy of his birth, his actual birth, life, death, and resurrection, and then culminating in His Glorification in Heaven.
4) It is an interactive piece--the audience stands at the beginning of the Hallelujah chorus. This is a tradition started (unbeknown to him) by King George II. There are various rumors of why he stood up during this piece. Some say that he was so inspired by the movement that standing in honor was the only way he could respond. Others say that it is because he may have fallen asleep, and that the drama of the movement literally roused him from his slumber in such a state that he was scared awake! But either way, when the King of England stands up, everyone stands up. Otherwise, heads will roll!
5) There really is no other piece of music that can inspire and comfort me as much as this one. The clear Biblical focus, the way that it always points people towards the Person of Jesus, the way that we are constantly reminded of the high cost of Grace and our deep need for Redemption, it truly is a piece that was inspired by the Holy Spirit.

If you want, you can listen to Messiah in its entirety here (thank you, NPR). I have also found it helpful to read the lyrics. :)

Resolutions, Etc.

2012-01-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

Re:solve (verb)
-to deal with successfully; clear up
-to reach a firm decision about

Re:solve (noun)
-fixity of purpose

Let's talk about New Year's resolutions, folks.

Each year millions of Americans make resolutions. I think its an integral part of our nature as humans to change and to grow. It is something that we want. We want to be better people, we want to grow, we will always want what is better. Perhaps this is just a way for people to do it. When New Year's comes around, the mob mentality kicks in. Imagine if every human on the planet resolves to do some self-betterment starting January 1st. How's that for social pressure?

New year's resolutions are not a new tradition, I recently found out. In fact, according to one of the first sites that popped up on my Google search told me that it has been going on as since the times of the Romans. January is named after the god Janus, who reportedly is the patron and protector of beginnings and endings (among other things like bridges, arches, and doors....arches...really?). These Roman resolutions generally made with a moral code: to be good to one another.

When the Puritans were around in New England, they put a little different of a spin on it--those who made resolutions made them in order to better their talents or to stay away from their sins of choice (or habit, whatever you want to call it). Not too far off of our current day resolutions! Flossing, learning how to read music, getting off our butts and hitting the gym, etc. All good things, right?

My dad has the same resolution every year--to not make a resolution. Witty. I worked with a gal in high school who took an attribute of God and focused on that for the year (patience, generosity, forgiving, just, etc.). I liked that a lot, and actually did it for a few years myself. One of my roommates has made about 1,000,006 resolutions for this year--to walk the dog every day for 15 minutes, to eat less sweets, so on and so forth. These are all good things!

On January 1st I sat next to a woman in church who, the past few years, has gone through some severe health issues that have affected her in ways that I'm sure that many of us could only imagine. And yet she is present each week with a grin on her face and joy in her heart. She truly is a gem. Anyway, we were small talking about how late each of us had stayed up the night before. I shamelessly admit that a retired woman in her mid sixties beat me in this competition by an hour and a half. I causally asked her if she had made any resolutions (it sounded like a safe enough question at the time. Boy was I wrong!). Her answer floored me.

She turned to look at me full in the face. "Honey," she said, "ever since I got sick, I realized that every day is a resolution. Every day I get to choose to follow the Lord. Life is a resolution."

Wow.

Life is a resolution.

That shakes me. Every day I have the opportunity to resolve to follow after Jesus. I am sure that, in one way or another, I [consciously or subconsciously] make that choice; but the way that she put it--a resolution every day--shifts the paradigm. Resolving, every day, to put one foot in front of the other, following the path to the cross.

And yet, is that not the life of someone who follows Jesus?

The next day he saw Jesus coming to him and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! This is He on behalf of whom I said, ‘After me comes a Man who has a higher rank than I, for He existed before me.’ I did not recognize Him, but so that He might be manifested to Israel, I came baptizing in water.” John testified saying, “I have seen the Spirit descending as a dove out of heaven, and He remained upon Him. I did not recognize Him, but He who sent me to baptize in water said to me, ‘He upon whom you see the Spirit descending and remaining upon Him, this is the One who baptizes in the Holy Spirit.’ I myself have seen, and have testified that this is the Son of God. John 1:29-34

[I Can't Get Enough of] Sojourn

2011-12-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

Definition of SOJOURN
intransitive verb
: to stay as a temporary resident : stop — so·journ·er (noun)

Seriously people. Sojourn.

A temporary stay, to be someone who stays temporarily, or also as someone who makes fantastic music. You can stream all (yes people, ALL!) of their albums here.

Sojourn is a worship band based out of a church in Louisville, Kentucky. Honestly, I would consider making a trip to Kentucky just to see these guys and give them a personal "thank you" for being so fantastic. They have almost ruined all other Christmas albums with their one titled Advent Songs. Sojourn is a folk-pop mix which sometimes dabbles in the realm of the Transiberian Orchestra. It really is like nothing else I've heard.

But don't take my word for it! Listen to them yourself.

My current top five are:

Approach My Soul, the Mercy Seat

Amen, Amen

Before the Throne

Joy to the World

Lead Us Back

May the lyrics and music of Sojourn be as wonderful to you as it has been to me. I honestly do not think that I can even begin to explain how much good these musicians have done for my soul and the ways that they have pointed me towards Jesus. May they also do the same for you.

A Day at the Beach

2011-09-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

The Crazy Woman in the Fabric Store

2011-09-13T20:35:00.001-07:00

All my sisters and I have a deep love for fabric stores. Our mother is very crafty and an excellent seamstress, and as a result we spend many waking hours of childhood in Joanne's, House of Fabric, and Beverly's. Every time I walk into a fabric store, the musty textile smell brings back a wave of nostalgia--running around like maniacs down the isles touching everything I could because it was the only store that I was allowed to do so. Fabric stores were (and still are) some of my favorites to go to simply because it is socially acceptable for me to touch everything in the store.

But this week when I visited the local Joanne's Fabrics, I'm fairly sure that if I were to be seen by the average person, they would have thought I was crazy. Literally. Picture this:

I'm dressed fairly normal. I had gone right after I got home after work, and didn't change, so I was wearing khaki pants, a nice shirt, and wedge shoes. I was on the hunt for some snuggly, soft fabric to back a quilt I am making for a friend (I want it to be so fabulous that people fight over who gets it while watching movies). I beeline it to the quilting section, because I need a few more fat quarters. As soon as I arrive, I immediately am shocked at the variety that was not there three days before. I literally let out a small gasp, and start muttering to myself about how many more purple and green prints there are now. Then my eye catches a fabulous ecru and scarlet zebra print, and I almost have a fit trying to think of what I could make out of that. After more fussing, I decide that I can't think of anything yet and it will be there waiting for me at a later date.

I move to the flannels, to see if there is anything good there. There sure is! But NO WAY will I pay $13.99 a yard unless I have a coupon. Unfortunately, my 40% off coupon is for everything BUT fabric. Of course it is.

I saunter over to the terrycloth, because there is a bolt that looks particularly soft. I continue to run my hands over all the fabrics in the line, feeling the weave and the threads with every step I take. O Fabric, how I love thee!

Then I see the clearance shelves. Bolt after bolt of fabric is just lying there in a huge pile, waiting to be unearthed and discovered and used! My purse falls from my hand, and the top of the quilt that was brought with to match was dropped quicker than a hot iron. I have to look! My lips start moving quickly as I gasp, ooh, and aaaah over the beautiful textiles. Oh man. If only I could take a month of to do nothing but sew!

I find a knit that is textured quite nicely, and I can't complain at the price--$6 a yard instead of $14! Yes please. I wander off with a few extra bolts in my hand, but as I am standing in line at the cutting table, I decide I don't really have the time for this fabric. So i return it to the clearance pile.

I get my steal of a deal fabric cut, and I walk up to the counter to pay. My hand feels a little bit more empty than it should...GASP! I put the quilt top down somewhere! AAAAHHHHH I rush back to the clearance table and scramble until I find it--nicely placed on top of the bolt that I didn't have enough time for. I laughed aloud at my good fortune (not like anyone would have taken it anyway), and practically skipped back to the counter.

So the next time you are in a store and see someone acting a little crazy, don't think less of them. Just come with me to a fabric store and you will understand a little bit better.

Late Night Musings

2011-07-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I didn't grow up in California, rather a less popularized state like Nevada.

I have glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of my bedroom left over from the two young boys (both under the age of 10) who occupied the room before me. I like these stars.

If farmers traditionally rose with the sun before alarm clocks were around, did that mean that those who farmed in places like the greater Bay Area got more sleep because the marine layer doesn't burn off until 10AM?

Life would be very different without text messaging. Perhaps in good ways. I think sometimes it can disconnect me even more from people; although at the same time I can be "connected" with someone, I cannot hear the inflection or tone of their voice, nor see there eyes, thus further distancing myself from what they truly are communicating. I would like to be more intentional about calling friends instead of text messaging them, even if this ironically seems inconvenient or too forward. But I will happily admit, I loooove the fact that I can send pictures to people. Now that is fun.

MSN had an article recently on building a house for $20k. Yes, for only $20k. Its no Taj Mahal, but really, who needs that anyway? What would it look like if we took a more minimalistic approach to life and put our funds towards things that helped expand the gospel? See the article here.

Potlucks may be one of my favorite type of gatherings. You get to share some fabulous food with a bunch of people you enjoy, and all the while you get to a) judge if they are good or creative in the kitchen and b) experience some new food. Both of which are excellent experiences to have. I get to go to one tomorrow. I still have yet to decide what to bring.

One of my sisters has been in The Gambia for almost a month now. I wrote her a card this week, and it took me all that I could not to write I miss you in the middle and nothing else. I told her a funny story about our mom instead. She probably wouldn't cry when she reads that, and I didn't have to cry writing it.

Now its bedtime. Goodnight.

Thoughts on Communion

2011-04-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

Last summer, I switched churches. I applied for a position to direct Life Groups (bible studies, small groups, etc.) at a church, and in the process was accepted and have been there since (I still think its crazy the hired a 23 year old).

I love this church. I think I could go on and on and on and on until we are all as old as Methuselah as to why is is so fabulous, but I will spare you of that. One of these things is the fact that we take communion every week.

My first time at the church, before I was hired, I thought I just happened to come on Communion Sunday. From what I can remember, the church I grew up in did not participate in the sacrament of communion on a regular basis--only once or twice outside of youth group can I remember taking it. But, let's be honest, it could have been because I just simply wasn't paying attention. Either way, the church I went to in college only took it once a month, and I truly did believe that to be sufficient. When I went to my new church and discovered that every week was Communion Sunday, I was a little thrown off.

These were my thoughts: "How on earth am I supposed to take it seriously if we don't make something special about it? Once a month is more that sufficient." "Communion is based loosely off of Passover and the Feast of the Atonement, and they only took it once a YEAR for centuries (I may be over exaggerating on the time frame here). Why do we need to even change that?" And, of course, "If I do it every week, won't that take a way from the reflection portion?"

Ah, how foolish I was.

Honestly, I wish I took it every day. Each before the trays are passed, a deacon or a church elder gives a sermonette to set the tone as the congregation is about to partake in the sacraments. Each week it varies on what is spoken on; sometimes it is simply a reading of the scripture and a small commentary, it has been a short poem about Christ, or it has been a story of how the Lord continually provides grace and mercy upon us each day. After listening, we share in the elements while the piano plays. Each week I fail not to be overwhelmed of the grace that we have with God through Jesus. Each week I am deeply reminded of the meaning of his sacrifice and how much I desperately need it. Each week is a time of reflection, repentance, and renewal. "And and best of it is, God is with us."

"And finally Brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, if there is any excellence and if anything is worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Now the things you have learned and heard and received and seen in me, practice these things and the God of Peace will be with you," Philipians 4:8,9

I'm Doing Crazy Things

2011-02-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

Friends, since being out of college, I've decided that I want to keep learning. More recently, I have decided that I want to be a part of big long-term projects that make me do crazy things. I just never want to become the middle aged woman who looks back at her 20's and decided that she needed to be more adventurous. I figure if I've got time to do crazy things now, then what the heck is stopping me?

I was inspired by a 365 creative journal. I impulse bought it at Border's while buying a planner. I'm fairly certain the right side of my brain was getting a little jealous of the left side.

Needless to say, my inspiration is still there, but have not gone so far as to actually touch anything in that little journal. It is inspiring indeed, but as of late my lethargy has overtaken my desire for creativity. Perhaps this weekend I will start. Updates to follow assuming I get started soon.

Another big project I am participating in is the Wine Country Century. Crazy, I know. And yes, I do have a bike. From the 80's. Its blue. His name is Jacques. He is French (really, not joking. Its a Motobecane. Love it). My lovely roommate Gina and I decided that we have wonderful bikes and want to ride more, and the way to do that is to become temporarily insane and sign up for a 62 mile cycling race this spring. May 7th we will be subjecting our bodies to what some could call physical torment for about 4 or 5 hours. Have we done this before? No. Do we really know what we signed up for? No. Do I even own a pair of real biking shorts? Not yet. But I will soon. And yes, Mom, I will be wearing a helmet. Its a part of the regulations.

I told the leader of my Young Adults group at church who is a cyclist himself. He isn't doing it this year, but he has done it in the past. He was very excited for me, and then called over his wife and told her too. Then he got this nostalgic look in his eye and went on about how cycling truly is a noble sport--man and machine working together. It was very cute. He advised me to get some shorts. Plan on it.

In preparation, I have made a list of things I need to do before starting my big projects:

-get enough sleep
-get creative
-buy cycling shorts
-buy cycling shoes for my newly purchased pedals
-consume more protein
-become a creative artsy-crafty beefcake

I'll let you know how things go. Photos and funny stories to come soon. Maybe I'll make something like this:

Consequences of Obedience

2011-01-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

"If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything--it is a delight. But to those who do not love Him, our obedience does cost a great deal. If we obey God, it will mean that other people's plans are upset...we must let the cost be paid." Oswald Chambers

"And as they led him away, they seized one Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and laid upon him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26

Simon's plans certainly were upset. He had no intention of bearing a cross, particularly one that was not his own. Yet how often does the Lord ask us to do this? Are we not supposed to care for the orphans and the widows? To give to the poor, thirsty, and needy? To speak for those with no voice?

The consequences of our obedience causes many things--it can cause a good and fruitful life full of wisdom (Proverbs 2:1-3), favor from the Lord (Proverbs 8:35), and reconciliation between people and our Lord (Ephesians 4:31,32). But also with these things, following the direction of the Lord is costly. It brings us to death of ourselves in order for Christ to reign. Jesus, speaking to his followers in Matthew 16, warns them of the impending death to themselves..."If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." We are to follow Jesus to Calvary, to Golgotha each day. Only He has the power to raise the dead to life again, and only through the living sacrifice of an obedient and contrite sinner will we see the glory of the Risen Christ.

Following Jesus means the embrace of paradoxes. It means unity and division. It means the co-existence of love and hate. It brings on a myriad of mysteries that believers must wrestle with. Often these mysteries bring confusion, and sadly, misunderstanding to the unbeliever. How can these things be opposite and how can we be called to both at the same time? The world does not understand the Christian because it does not understand Christ. After the commandment of love is received, Christ prepares his followers for the coming of division that He himself will cause. He brings both peace and a sword, unifying believers and separating the sin and wickedness from their lives. He warns that mother will turn against daughter, friend against friend, all on account of the Lordship in their lives.

The question is begged--are we willing to sacrifice these things to which we hold so dear in order to see Christ risen and reign in our hearts? Will we love him so much that the earthly affections we have for our mothers and fathers look like hatred in comparison? Are we going to allow the Counselor to bear witness to and through us in an unbelieving world?

Lord let your Spirit soften my heart to make obedience a joy!

Thoughts on Getting Inked

2011-01-03T15:41:00.001-08:00

Last week I had the opportunity to spend three or so hours in a tattoo parlor. I watched my two friends get inked! It was quite the experience--I sat there and was intrigued the entire time. What an interesting experience! There were three artist doing their thing, and while I was there I watched 5 or so people get inked. It was a fascinating experience--what a culture I had never realized before! This was Danielle's first tattoo, while her husband, Brian, was getting his third. There were two sisters getting antique looking keys on their ankles, a woman getting a heart on her wrist, Danielle getting Hebrew on her shoulder, and Brian getting an outline of a cross on his back. There were about 10 people in there at the same time, and we were all just watching the process, making jokes, commenting on the art, etc. After all was said and done, part of me wanted to go back later and just watch the process all over again!

I like tattoos. On other people. I think they are really cool, and have a decent amount of respect for people who have them. I myself don't think that I could ever get one. I'm straight up too chicken.

Dani asked me to document the experience--here are some of the photos!
Dani was really nervous, but she didn't say so (at least to the tattoo artist). I could tell because she kept on twitching her feet!

The artist doing his thing. This is Tim. I originally tried to get the camera to focus on what was going on through the lens of his glasses, but I liked the way this one turned out more.

The outline--the two words say Emmanuel and hallelujah.

You could tell this guy enjoyed his job. He was always smiling. It might just be his favorite.

The finished product! Danielle wanted it to look like henna, so Tim just made up a custom color.

I'm fairly certain the crazy girl was high off of endorphins when we took this picture.

Yes, the proportion of the cross on Brian's back is correct. It turned out awesome! He just got the outline this day; he hadn't decided yet what he wanted in the middle. Even the outline turned out neat, but the finished product really is a piece of art.

Now go out and support your local tattoo parlor.

.ilovehiking.

2010-12-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

For my birthday (which, don't worry, was in August), I requested a pair of hiking boots. My parents decided that instead of buying a pair I didn't like or want, they would just give me some money and I could pick them out myself. Good plan! I love my boots!

My friend Matt worked at REI at the time and helped me pick them out. Honestly, I felt a little silly climbing up on the fake rock to test them out, but its still fun. I just wish it was bigger!

My first trip was to Hood Mountain Regional Park. It is beautiful up there! I went by myself (don't tell my mom!) in the middle of the week. I had wanted to be better about spending longer periods of time in silence and solitude in order to be better at listening to God. The times in the past I have done it have been very refreshing and insightful, so I was looking forward to doing it again. I had had a really strange and slightly disturbing dream a few days before that brought up some things to think and pray through, so I left my house anticipating somewhat of an emotionally hard day. As excited as I was to be outdoors spending lots of time with Jesus, I was a little nervous about what He was going to bring up.

I drive and drive and drive up this one mountain until I think I miss the turn, until I finally see the signs for the park. Praise Jesus! I didn't get lost. I'm currently the only car in the parking lot. Perfect.

I throw on my backpack full of lunch, water, journal, and bible. I start to walk to the trailhead, and making sure that no one is near to think that I am a crazy person talking to myself, I start to pray aloud. I asked God to be working in the harder parts of my life, to be healing the bruised spots in my heart from a previous relationship, and to show me where to move forward. But, to my surprise, this day of contemplation was not what the Lord had planned for me. I found that my mind and my heart was not fully immersed in that prayer. My spirit was discontent with being contemplative in that manner. I found myself grinning ear to ear as I wandered up and down the mountain, by the creek, hopping the stream, and walking in the meadows. Even when I was getting my butt kicked by a particularly steep section of the trail, I literally was giddy. My heart could not dream of being discontent while I was doing something so enjoyable! God was working in my heart a spirit of refreshment and of joy.

The heavens declare the glory of God, and they sky above proclaims his handiwork. Psalm 19:1

Enjoy my day with me.

The Beginning

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. Psalm 23:2

This is where I ate my lunch and stared out at the hills.

Pretty thistles

And the very tired but happy hiker.

Some Late Night Poetry

2010-12-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes good writing can happen at inopportune times...like when I want to sleep. But then when it is done, I don't regret spending some more time awake.

Tulips in the spring
Slowly wake up
They send out feelers
From the ground
Through the snow and dirt.
Thick stalky leaves wink at the sun
Looking forward to the coming of seasons.

As the snow melts away
The leaves and stems grow
To be a support and a pedestal
For a colorful bloom.
February has marched into April,
The temperature warms, and she always
Turns her face towards the sun.

But the sun turns on her
And withers first her velvety petals,
Stealing the crown of beauty
That once sat upon her long neck.
As May turns to June, almost all is lost.

There she lies, a mere shadow
And lump of brown root.
Her Gardner thought once or twice
Of excavating, of unearthing from the
Dirt filled niche,
But that was too long ago. He has
Forgotten.

Forgotten still, she sits through
SummerAutumnWinter.
The hardened shell keeps her safe,
Protected,
Warm, comforted.
There is nothing.
Just a shell of what used to be.

And with time comes Spring.
And with death there is life.
And with Spring comes tulips.

The Brain Train: Thoughts on Really Loving People

2010-08-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

Brain Train: my mind goes on random tangents. I thought I would invite you all onto a recent trip my brain went on. For the summer I am living with a dear friend, but only for a few weeks until the apartment I am moving into more permanently for is ready for me. There was a small amount of tension when I moved in with one of the other girls, and my friend and I were talking about how hard it can be to really love someone well. This is my train.

Isn't it funny how loving people can be such a hard thing to do? If it is such a good thing, then why must we be willing to get torn apart for doing it? It's a risky thing, love. Even between friends, true friends, it can be hard. It seems as if I learn more and more that God's command to love seems very simple. In the beginning I do believe that it was so, but the moment sin walked in, it became a double edged sword. We can lust after the control it can give us, we can depend on the improper use and abuse of it, we use it to love ourselves and not others. And sometimes when we use it for good, it can end up hurting others as well when others react hard to the truth. It is love that puts the knife to the tumor, and love that pins the patient down without anesthesia. There are no drugs against the kind of pain that true love can make us feel; we are losing a very intimate part of ourselves when we die to our sins. Once gone, we want it back, we long for it, we feel as a part of ourselves is missing. And in fact, part of us is missing. But it was the part that wasn't supposed to be there anyways...

Thanks for riding along. May God teach us all to love well and to be loved.

What's In A Name? Well, Lots of Things.

2010-06-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

Recently I have given a lot of thought to what it means to name something; in particular, children. Perhaps it's because i know a number of pregnant women at present, or perhaps it's something that I've been thinking about for years is finally done marinating in my brain.
Having a rather unique name myself, I never ran into the problem as a kid finding out that I wasn't the only Tamsen in the world. Now I know that I am not the only Tamsen in existence, but our numbers certainly are few. I sometimes wondered as a child why my parents chose me specifically to be the one with my name, and wondered why they weren't as adventurous with naming the rest of my sisters.
I suppose I didn't really recognize the importance of a name until a few years back. It seems as it would be logical to sat hat everyone has a story behind their name, but more often than not it is only kids with funky names get asked about the origins. I believe that this is where my journey started in my fascination with names--when I moved to college and had to tell my story over and over again.
For my parents, each of my siblings names has a meaning behind it for one reason or another. My sisters-Sarah Jane, Kathryn Ann, and Megan Ingelore, are all partially named after family members. I'm the lone wolf in that sense-I'm named after a historical figure who is in no way a relation.
Mom and Dad named me after Tamsen Donner, a woman who left a legacy of faithfulness and courage. Refusing to leave her husband on his deathbed when an early winter snowed their pioneering party into the Sierra Nevadas, she sent her children on to safety, knowing that she would meet her end that winter, either from cold or starvation. Tamsen would never see them again; she took her marriage vows literally and refused to part from her husband until death. Literally. It was my parent's hope that in naming me after such a strong and loyal woman, that I might have similar characteristics as my namesake. I'm not married quite yet, but I do believe that part of the loyalty and faithfulness I have read about has rubbed off on me; both in hearing the story so many times growing up as well as telling it to others as an adult. When new acquaintances ask for the story behind my name, I am reminded of the hope my parents had for me, and that it becomes more and more a part of me each time it is told.
Looking Biblicly at names, we see that they are extremely important. They show family lineage, tribes, and race, all of which are very important to Jewish tradition and culture at the time. I have heard that when a son was born, his name was not revealed until the day of his circumcision, eight days after birth. This supposedly was done so that the parents could watch and observe their child, to see what type of character they have and to name them something that was fitting.
There are a few times in both the Old and the New Testament where we see God make a few changes in regards to people's names. I particularly like these instances, because it shows us that God changes us to our core, that we are so radically different that we need a new name. We see Abram go to Abraham, Jacob to Israel, Simon to Peter, and Paul to Saul. This list isn't everyone who gets a name change, but you get the picture. I think what I like most about these instances is that God re-names people after he changes their hearts in big ways. Abram goes from a moon-worshiping pagan to the father of the Nation of Israel. God calls him out into the desert to follow him, and Abram proves faithful, even after being asked to sacrifice his only son, whom God has promised lineage. Abraham's trust in God's provision is astounding! God meets Abram in big ways here--he is given a new identity as one who follows the One True God, and also is given a new name to seal the deal (not to mention descendants outnumbering the stars or anting).
Jacob has been given the name that means deceiver, and he has live up to his namesake for the first few decades o his life. He deceived his father out of giving the correct son the blessing, as well as sneakily gaining his brother's birthright for a bowl of stew. But God continues to pursue him, until one day the tables turn and Jacob decides to pursue God. Jacob literally wrestles with either and angel or God himself before crossing over the Jordan one night. Upon being asked what he is contending for, Jacob demands a blessing from the Lord. His request is granted, and he walks away a changed man, both literally and figuratively. A blessing was given, a new name was chosen for him, and Jacob (now Israel) would be left to walk with a limp for the rest of his life. Changed forever, there was a physical sign of his wrestling with God, as well as a symbolic one.
When people meet God in real ways, he changes things around. He moves around the furniture in our house, he dusts off the cobwebs, and ushers the skeletons out of our closets. When we are wooed out of our sinfulness and into the glorious wonder of his love, we cannot help but to be changed into something else. As we turn our eyes further and further from ourselves and towards the redemption of the Cross, we become new creatures. Much like a caterpillar is no longer the same after it emerges from the cocoon, so is the repentant heart after it is washed by the blood of Christ. We cannot return to inching along as the worm does, but we take on the new identity that the Lord has given us in Jesus and take hold of our new found freedom from sin. When God calls me by name, I cannot help but to answer. And when he calls me Daughter, I know truly that I am his.

Adventures in the North Country

2010-04-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

I like to try to mix up all the writing with some photos every now and then. This is one of the now times.

I went hiking with some friends a few weeks ago and found this little gem hiding in a hunk of tree moss.

This is also from hiking. I'm not sure what all the PVC pipe is doing in the middle of a state park, but it made for an interesting photograph.

Lichen. When I was a kid, my family and I were camping somewhere along the coast I think and we were on a hike that had a self-guided tour through the redwoods. I had the pamphlet that told us what all the number posts were there for, and I kept on reading lichen (like-en) as litchen. I learned the correct pronunciation simply to steer clear of more teasing from my sisters.

This is from the Exploratoriumin San Francisco. We went for our friend's birthday, and I found the light section of it quite appealing.

This is from the Observation Deck in the deYoung Museum in San Francisco. It is much like Coit Tower, one can see all parts of the city and bay. Its beautiful on a clear day! You can see all the way to Mt. Diablo if it is clear enough.

This is my friend Kali staring out at all the little ant people below.

Walking around at Sea Ranch.

I think I'll call this one Yellow Leaf on Red Brick. So original.

Until we meet again!

Picking My Brain

2010-04-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my most recent (and very random) thoughts:

-I refuse to dress like its spring until Spring really decides that it wants come to stay. It has been beautiful in Rohnert Park this past week until today. Overcast and cloudy. Boo for April showers. I'm ready for the SUN!

-Part of me wants to be a pirate. It seems like an exciting job. No day would ever repeat itself. Danger, adventure, and the seven seas. What more could you ask for?

-I quite enjoy waking up on Saturdays with a mind to make waffles for my roommates, only to walk out in the kitchen and find that one of my dears has already started the process!

-Classical music is something that I have overlooked for far too long. For the past couple of months I've been listening to Handel's Messiah almost nonstop. I highly recommend trying it out. But you need to look up the scripture references too. It makes it that much better.

-It seems like whenever people as of last have been asking me what is next in life, I nonchalantly say, "Lord knows." Then more often than not, they reply with, "Well, he does!" I haven't been saying this in a I'm-throwing-my-hands-up-because-I'm-tired-of-people-asking-me-about-this type of way, I truly do believe that He does know. Its just that its my turn to seek out what He is leading me into. He knows at this point, its me who is still trying to figure it out, all in a very good way.

Comfort

2010-04-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

Whenever I find myself confused and lacking direcion, I seem to find much comfort in the Psalms. this is where I've been spending quite a bit of time recently, and I would like to share with you one in particular. David penned this one thousands of years ago, and I still find in incredible that something that ole can pull my heart so much. May you be blessed as you read this.

Psalm 25

To thee, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in thee I put my trust, let me not be put to shame, let not my enemies exult over me.
Yea, let none that wait for thee be put to shame, let them be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.
Make me to know thy ways, O Lord, teach me thy paths.
Lead me in thy truth, and teach me, for thou art the God of my salvation; for thee I wait all the day ling.
Be mindful of thy mercy, O Lord, and of thy steadfast love, fir they have been from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth, or my transgressions; according to thy steadfast love remember me, for thy goodness' sake, O Lord!
Good and upright is the Lord, therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches he humble his way.
All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
For thy name's sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great.
who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way he should choose.
He himself should abide in prosperity, and his children shall possess the land.
The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet from the net.
Turn thou to me, and be gracious to me; for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart, and bring me out of my distress.
Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.
Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatered they hate me.
Oh guard my life, and deliver me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in thee.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for thee.
Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

The Gospel That I Am Fearful Of

2010-03-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

I had a quick conversation with a good friend of mine tonight. She was giving me a ride to my car, so the ride only lasted a grand total of about 4 minutes.

I was telling her about the six World Vision staff members who were killed in Pakistan today, lamenting not only the loss of life, but also how easily I forget that the Gospel asks us to do hard things.

Then she says, "Yeah, sometimes I'm fearful of what it's asking me to do. I am afraid of what its asking me to give up. Like giving my money just isn't enough; like God is asking for my time as well."

Sometimes I don't like the gospel, because it means me admitting, facing, and repenting of my sin. I fear the surgeon's scalpel that looms over me, knowing the tumor is fateful, and yet more fearful of what the pain will be or how life will be like living without it. I feel with my friend, I find it so easy to fear what God is asking me to give up, forgetting that he is Good, forgetting that it is him alone that is worthy to follow. We must be willing to face the knife in order to get well.

I've found that saying yes to Jesus means saying no to a lot of other things. I often default to the story of the rich young ruler in Mark 10. Upon being asked what it takes to inherit eternal life, Jesus lists off some of the 10 Commandments. Insuring Jesus that he has followed these commands since birth, the ruler thinks he is in. But to his despair, Jesus tells him, "You lack one thing; go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me" (Mark 10:21). Never explicitly does Jesus say what the idol is in Mark's account, but we can clearly see that Jesus, the man, and others around him understand the implication of the request. Lacking only one thing--a true love for God. Money has become this man's god, and Jesus wants his place back on the throne.

Asking how to inherit eternal life is a dangerous thing. We lose our lives in doing so. But eventually we gain a better one. Its a gamble I believe to be worth risking. But in doing so, Jesus will continue to look at us, love us, and call out our sin.

Will we walk away sorrowful, or will we weep for joy at the grace we've found?

Is There Really Good News About Injustice?

2010-03-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

(I know I stole the title from Gary A. Haugen, its just a good one!)

Well, Reader, in short, the answer is yes. I read recently that there are over 2,000 verses in the Bible concerning poverty and justice. Oh how closely are they linked! Does not the heart of God mourn over injustice? Is it not that the Spirit leads our hearts into conviction over what is wrong? Did not the Son weep and die for the sins of people?

What is the good news? God absolutely abhors it. The book of Amos in itself is almost entirely about God's anger against the injustice that he sees in his people. The poor are trampled upon (5:11), the needy have been crushed (4:1), and in all of these atrocities, the nation as a whole still continues to be prideful (6:8).

The Spirit of God speaks through Amos, condemning the hypocrisy that God sees. "I hate, I despise your feasts, and I take no delight in your solemn assemblies. Even though you offer me your burnt offerings and cereal offerings, I will not accept them, and the peace offerings of your fatted beast I will not look upon. Take away from me the noise of your songs; to the melody of your harps I will not listen. But let justice roll down like waters, and the righteousness like an ever flowing stream" (5: 21-25).

God doesn't just want my lip service. He doesn't just want my money once in a while. He doesn't just want me to go about life as if in a zoo, look at poverty and injustice only to study and be amazed for a while only to move onto "more exciting" issues, he wants me to become a part of the change. This is the good news: I serve a God who cares for the needy, the poor, the widow and the orphan, who desires all to know Him. He is ever day inviting all of humanity into the glorious redemption of our souls, to do justice, love mercy, and to walk humbly with him.

It sounds nice, but it means giving up a lot of things that we have become accustomed to. Will we be ready to become the ones who bring justice to people who want keep others oppressed? Will we be willing to go forth into a land where you can be killed for the sake of the Gospel? Will we continually be looking for ways to serve a God who calls us to do good things concerning injustice at our own expense?

I think it may be worth it. I haven't much to complain about yet...but perhaps it is because I haven't been risking enough.

Thanks to the Invisible Children organization for reminding me of the good news.

The Process of Elimination...

2010-02-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

In trying to discover what the rest of my life has for me career-wise, I have decided to come up with a list of things that I am almost certain will not happen. Not to say that they never never never will or that God can't do incredible things, but I don't think these are on the list.

-Cake Decorator. For our student leadership Christmas party, I was put in charge of making the cupcakes. We had decided to be creative and place them on the table like a Christmas tree, with some being green for the tree, some brown for the trunk, and purple and yellow ones for the ornaments. One of the other staff members had purchased the mixes and the ingredients to make butter-cream frosting from scratch, as well as telling me how to do it a couple of days before. I thought to myself, "Awesome! I love this job. By far the best one to have. Its going to be a piece of cake."
Yeah right! Butter-cream frosting and I did not agree. It was too runny, the butter did not cream with the sugar, and the brown for the tree trunk actually did look like a tree trunk! The texture was all wrong and definitely not smooth like real frosting should be. One of the students, bless her heart, came up to me and asked how I made the brown ones actually look like real trees! Cake decorating--OUT.

-Racecar Driving. Scary drivers do precisely that-scare me! Why on earth would want to ever go that fast?

-A Therapist. For part of the student leadership training before the spring semester, we had the entire staff and leadership team take a spiritual gifts test that we got from a huge church somewhere in the Midwest. I scored high on a number of things, but when it came down to the gift of Mercy, I only had one out of twelve. Machiavelli, apparently I agree with you. Better to be feared than to be loved.

-Someone who Works at a Plant Nursery. Within the past six months, I have effectively killed three orchids, and soon a poinsettia will be on the list as well. Rest in peace, plants. I tried to love you well. On a better note, my "money tree" is thriving, thanks to the fact that I only really need to water it once a month (also thanks to Shannon, my wonderful friend who bought it upon my graduation!).

-A Wedding Coordinator. I love a good wedding just as much as the next person, but after seeing four within a span of six weeks, you get a little tired out. And they can be stressful!! Never mess with a bride on her wedding day. She will not like jokes until after the ceremony is done and she has had something to eat. I think the extent of my sympathy for a stressed bride would be to throw a granola bar in her general direction and tell her to check her teeth before she takes the pictures.

Time Spent With the Merwin Family

2010-01-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the highlights from working with the Merwin Family-

- Bobby Merwin is the resident fourth grader in the house. He is your typical 10 year old boy, enrolled in martial arts, soccer, and speech therapy. He makes me want to have boys simply because of his excitement and view on life. Once I was driving him to his speech therapy appointment, and as we were walking out to the car, he pulls a 9-Volt battery. Upon my question of why he had a battery, he said that he likes to play with them sometimes. "And they make my tongue tickle when I lick them."
Now why wouldn't I want to play with a battery?

- One day Brenda, the mother of the house, was complaining about certain emails she kept on receiving. She was complaining to another employee, Justin. "Justin, some random person just decided to follow me on Twitter. Why on earth would they want to follow me if I didn't know them?" I think the question is why does Brenda have an account on Tiwtter anyway?

Trinity, the youngest kid and one of the cutest first grader you have ever seen, is recently discovering that boys might not have cooties. I think it is too early for this. She tells me class secrets, like that Jake loves Stephanie but Stephanie loves Ryan. Ryan loves Tiffany, and Andy loves her. One day I asked her if she loved anyone, and she said, "No...why would I do that?" Smart girl. She can wait a few more years.

Lessons in Generosity

2010-01-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

2009 is gone and over. It was a good year.
My word that I wanted to focus on was generosity. In light of God's generosity towards us, I wanted to spend a year reflecting a life lived out of this type of overabundant, generous heart.

generous:
a : characterized by a noble or forbearing spirit : magnanimous, kindly b : liberal in giving : openhanded c : marked by abundance or ample proportions : copious

Irony seemed prevalent this year. As much as I wanted to be a more generous person with my time, money, resources, etc., it seemed that God had a different way of teaching me this trait. It seems as if I have experienced generosity much more from both God and other people than I have given it myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining in the least. It has been a wonderful year spent focusing on this virtue. Here are a few of the moments in which I have been overwhelmed--

-My roommate and I have been given two cars to share from friends. Yes, two cars to us free of charge and no strings attached. Wow!

-Fundraising for the internship with InterVarsity wasn't half as hard as I was expecting it to be. It was wonderful to watch friends and family wanting to participate in the ministry at Sonoma State and give of their finances to do so. It sometimes came from unsuspecting sources that I would have never imagined giving at all (or at least in the amounts that they did!), but God works in mysterious and wonderful ways, yes?

-I had the opportunity to count an offering that was taken at the Fall Conference that the Sonoma State InterVarsity chapter participated in this year. We had the honor of having with us a missionary couple from Bulgaria through InterVarsity Link Staff with the International Fellowship of Evangelical Students (IFES ). The offering was taken specifically to be given to the student movement in Bulgaria through IFES and was to be used in student leadership training. I was blown away by the generosity of the students. Not only did they give, but they gave generously. Around 500 students gave close to $8,000 at a conference they had already paid 100 bucks for. I counted checks for ten dollars, as well as ones for one hundred. Some students threw in the change they had in their pockets, others five dollar bills. So much for the poor college student facade. They gave generously.

In light of God's generosity towards His people, I will continue to search after this valuable trait. But as for my focus for 2010, it will be spend searching after what it means to have abundant faith.

Faith:
a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust
3 : something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

Sounds good to me! Praying that the new year will be spent in growing what it means to have big faith.

There Really Is No Place Like It...

2009-12-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

As finals have come and gone at Sonoma State, I find myself watching the students leave for home as well. It has been fun seeing them glad to be done with the stressful, late nights of studying as well as itching to get back into their original zip codes. This year has been a little different for me, because I have had the pleasure (or torture, whichever way you look at it) of watching them all leave and go home.
This has produced a feeling within me that I haven't experienced much--loneliness. I've found myself calling at least one member of my immediate family every day just to hear their voices. I know its only a few days away, but I simply can't wait until 4:00 rolls around on Tuesday afternoon! I'm packing up my car that morning and heading straight from work back to the 916.
Ah I can't wait for hugs.

In Reflection of the Almost Snow in Rohnert Park...

2009-12-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

...I wrote a haiku.

Winter is here now
And the fields are frosted white
Gleaming in the sun.

Here is one about the cat at my work.

Knee is a big joint
Or maybe he's a fat cat
Waiting to be pet.

Here is one about my luck with orchids.

Crisp white petals glow
Until they started to wilt
From lack of water.

Thanks for reading my thoughts.

Things I'm Thankful For

2009-12-03T22:43:00.001-08:00

I know its not November anymore (or Thanksgiving, for that matter), but I figured in the spirit of the season, I'll write my list anyway.

I am thankful for:

My Wonderful Family. I just had the pleasure of spending five and a half days with them last week. I forgot sometimes how good home can feel, especially when all my sisters are home. Its fun to watch everyone enjoy each other. The house is busy and bustling with laughter. I LOVE IT!

My Snow Jacket. I know this may sound funny, but it comes in handy, even in Sonoma County where there is no snow. It has been so cold during the nights this week, and some of my friends have made fun of me wearing my snow jacket when it isn't even wet outside. But I am the one who laughs when they squeal as they walk out the door!

My Crock Pot. I just made some of the most delicious pasta sauce, and it was barely any work at all! Throw it all in before going to work in the morning, turn it on, and leave it to cook all day long, filling the house with delectable smells of tomatoes and garlic. Yum! No kitchen is complete without it.

Fog. Even though it can be a hassle to drive in sometimes, it sure is pretty! I think I'm going to miss it if I ever move away from Sonoma County.

Packages in the Mail. Brown paper packages tied up with string, anyone? I have a friend Alex who told me once that he loves getting packages so much that he always orders things online to mail one at a time as to receive more packages. Brilliant! I just got one in the mail today, filled with one of my favorite types of Ritter Sports (dark chocolate and hazelnuts), Christmas socks, snowflake tissues, and a jingle bell bracelet. Thanks Saint Nikoklas (or my mom, whoever reads this first).

Books. Just like any other self-proclaimed nerd, I gladly admit that I love books. I have particularly enjoyed revisiting a few of my favorite authors this past month: John Steinbeck and Harper Lee. At times it seems that I have forgotten who to read for pleasure, and then I simply pick up a masterpiece and read it simply for the sheer enjoyment of it.

My Friends. I have wonderful friends. I could sing their praises all day. Just ask. ;)

There are many many more, but these are a few of the ones that are sticking out to me right now.

A Day in the Life of...

2009-10-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

7:15 Alarm goes off. Reset for another ten minutes.
7:25 Wake up for real. Shower and dry hair.
8:13 Tea kettle whistles. Lipton is in the making.
8:30 Re-read Isaiah 24. It confuses me and yet helps enlighten Romans 8.
8:40 Heading out to door and making my way to Petaluma.
8:54 Arrive at the Merwin's house, sit in the car for the remaining six minutes.
9:00 Walk into the house only to scare Bob when I come around the corner. He didn't hear me sneak in.
9:48 Dramatically unplug the coffee maker to avoid more overflowing of coffee and grounds all over the counter. Clean up ensues.
11:39 Think about how fall just makes me want to sit inside and bake all day. Contemplate asking Brenda if I can do that. Then reality kicks in...there is laundry to do.
12:30 Lunch time. Applesauce, string cheese, mashed potatoes, and lunch meat. Smorgasbord.
3:50 After an afternoon of laundry and bookkeeping, I'm off to taking Bobby to martial arts class.
4:22 Last minute decision to run to Goodwill and pick up some tapes for the tape deck in my car. Victory.
4:58 Cannot help but to laugh hard when what I think is going to be MCHammer turns out to be Mariachi love ballads. Leave it in the tape player for my roommates to enjoy.
6:03 Start preparing dinner and find that stuffed chicken is not as easy as it seems.
7:00 Inspiration for blog comes. Blogging follows.

Wise Wise Words

2009-09-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend my roommates Ashley, Jen, and I were helping Jen's grandmother clean out her apartment in San Francisco. Helene is a wonderful old Russian woman who is as cute as a button and funnier than Laurel & Hardy. Speaking with a thick accent, she kept us laughing all day with her exclamations about her cat, Ziggy (He only speaks Russian"), opening closets that literally haven't been opened in years to find them stuffed with toilet paper ("Now I can poop all over the place"), and her ability to cram lots of things into a relatively small apartment ("I just like things").
Helene has lived in the city for a very long time. She has lived in that apartment for twenty five years, and in November will be moving down near Riverside, CA, to be closer to her daughter and live in a retirement home. Since we are only an hour away instead of seven, we offered to help her purge before her big move. After we completed our day's tasks she sat us down among her box packed living room and offered us coffee and tea along with warmed pitas and delicious hummus. I thought it would be appropriate if I washed my hands before eating since I had been playing with the cat for the past ten minutes and headed into the kitchen to locate the nearest sink. Helene was hunting for some sort of spice or pepper to put in the hummus before serving it. She lightly tapped me on the hip for me to shuffle a bit to the left, so I smile and move so she can reach the cupboard. As she digs around through various spices and jars, she stops, sighs deeply, and says,

"Boy, am I going to miss this place."

She pauses.

So do I.

"Ah, but that's life."

Such simple words that I've heard countless times before no longer roll off my back. No, they hit me like a truck.
It is like what I've been feeling for months has been summed up in four words. There is nothing we can do to change or stop it, transition just happens. I have found that being in a big transition is strange. I didn't think it would last this long, that I would continue to feel somewhat lost in the world of adulthood, that I would miss friends and home so much. I thought that staying in the place I went to school wouldn't be as hard as leaving. I guess I forgot that others would leave. I guess I forgot that my time will come too.

The author of Ecclesiastes opens the third chapter with this:

For everything there is a season, and a time for ever matter under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silent, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. What gain has the worker from his toil?

A time for transition. All these things take time. Seasons. Fall Winter Spring Summer. Birth life death. Plant grow pluck. On and on.

Transition.
I am in transition.
It is hard.
It is good.
It is producing growth.

Ah, but that's life.

Freshman and the Ultimate Girl

2009-08-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was the move-in weekend for SSU students. Class started today, and the semester finally has started!
On Sunday Associated Students put on essentially what is a giant party for the students. In our main quad there was a maze, a jump house, a giant slide, and all the clubs, sororities, and fraternities promoting themselves. Inside the Student Union there was a comedy show put on our resident comedy club (Improvaholics), free pottery painting, and a US Bank Free Stuff Giveaway (its the only bank on campus). Amidst all this, our little InterVarsity table was thriving!
I only spent about an hour and a half at Big Nite (the thing lasts until 2 AM!), but I got to hand out our event cards and try to rope people into talking to me about their faith backgrounds. I met a transfer student named Elliot who was so excited that we had off campus bible studies that you would think that I just told him that he won the lottery. I made another group of freshman happy by telling them that we do church tours. My favorite was when a freshman girl walked up to the table and asked if InterVarsity was "youth group for college." HA!
In addition to these fun and excited little stories, we each had our share of brush-offs and rejections. There was a group of women next to us promoting the Ultimate Frisbee team as I was handing out our event cards. There was a lull in people walking by, and so I decided to break the awkward moment between the Frisbee girl and myself. Smiling and asking politely if she would like an event card, I extend my hand so she can look at it. Upon seeing words like faith and bible study,
she looks me straight in the eye and curtly says, "I don't believe in God. Nice try, though."
Wishing her luck on her recruiting, I quickly retreated back to my side of the walkway. I wondered if she had been hurt by the church, or if she though that I was a fool for following after something that I cannot physically see, hold, or feel. I wonder if she automatically decided not to like me.
Later the next day, I was reading John and was reminded that we Christians have been fully and fairly warned about persecution and this type of disdain:

I have said all this to you to keep you from falling away. They will put you out of the synagogues; indeed, the hour is coming when whoever kills you will think he is offering service to God. And they will do this because they have not know the Father, nor me. I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told you of them.
John 16:1-4

I sure am glad that Jesus lets us in on what is before us. He sure did warn us about persecution, as did Paul. Events like these remind me that there is such a need to speak of God's goodness at any chance I get. Unfortunately this particular situation did not allow one to start up an in depth conversation, but I truly am praying that others do come up. What a treasure we have in these earthen vessels. Please be praying for the Ultimate girl. Please be praying for me as well, that opportunity to speak of Grace and Love abounds this next year.

Treking, Interns, and Secret Sauce.

2009-07-24T10:31:00.001-07:00

From July 12th to July 20th was the Intern Trek for the Western conference of InterVarsity. There were about 35 interns from all over California, Oregon, Washington, Utah, Montana, and Colorado. We spent four days in Santa Rosa doing evangelism training, and four days in Sacramento on ethnic training/identity.
Let me tell you, O Reader, it was stinkin' fabulous!
In Santa Rosa we got to partner with the staffers at Santa Rosa Junior College
to do an outreach called the No More Secrets Campaign.During this time we spent time in the gospel of Luke, specifically in Chapter 10 when Jesus sends out the 70 followers and also their return. What an encouragement it was to us! We were most encouraged by verse 16: "He who hears you hears me, and he who rejects you rejects me, and he who rejects me rejects him who sent me." Thank Goodness that the only requirement is to preach!
After a day of training in what we were more or less going to do for the outreach, we just did it. Trial by fire. We set up three tents in high traffic areas on campus (called proxie stations) in which students could anonymously write down their secrets and slip them into a box. Then every fifteen minutes or so, the box would be opened and everything in the box would be safety pinned to the three sides of the pop-up for all to see. When we roped people in to look at the secrets, we had the chance to share with them that God desires people to have right and whole relationships with Himself and with other people, thus eliminating the need for secrets. We also invited them to a talk later on that night given by one of our ministry partners, Doug Shaupp. He shared how he found freedom in the love of God, forgiveness in the Son, and change from the Spirit. He shared a few secrets of h is own, and at the end gave a call to faith. Four people that day found the Lord, and many more have become more curious. We left the IV staff at SRJC with about 35 people to follow up with about faith conversations. What a wonderful way to help our brothers and sisters minister on the campus!
Sacramento was hot. It was nice to be back in the hometown, and some of us even got to stay at my house with Megan, my little sister. She was kind enough to make us delicious breakfast every morning and send us off happy. There we talked about how to minister to students of all ethnic and cultural backgrounds, the pros and cons of ethnic-specific branches of InterVarsity ministry, and the ways in which the Gospel transcends race, gender, and culture. What a wonderful God we serve!
Our full day was spent half in reflection, and the other half rafting down the American River. There were six boats worth of interns and staff. What I anticipated as a nice little float down the river turned into a full-out piracy expedition! No allegiances here, just war with any other boat in our group. No boat was fully capsized, but I'm pretty sure that nobody ended up in the same boat that they started out with. Many a pair of sunglasses were broken or lost, and we all came out with a bruise or injury of sorts. What a fun day!

Here we all are. I'm pretty sure I have my fake smile on.

So the secret sauce comes in last. Doug Schaupp, author and InterVarsity Staff Worker who is in charge of Chapter Planting, says that certain chapters have what he calls the secret sauce. It is something that they do related to evangelism that is special and unique to their ministry that works. I was in Doug's van on the way back up to Santa Rosa from Sacramento, and one of the other interns was asking Doug how to have a good evangelical ministry. He told her to ask me, since Sonoma State is the third most evangelistic campus in the country (according to conversion numbers in the past four years or something like that). This was new news to me, but got grilled anyway. It was a great time of questions and answers! Hara was asking me question after question about how we do ministry on campus, how we follow up with students, etc. But the way that we did things weren't too different than the things that the Occidental chapter did them, and so Doug helped us out. He said, "Now I think I have the recipe for your secret sauce, Tamsen. DO you know what it is yet?" I had no idea. We just did what everyone else did, or so I thought. "Your secret sauce is the spirit of invitation. After large groups, during Bible study, after scripture studies with non-Christians, you have trained yourselves and your leaders to invite others into the Kingdom of God."
A light bulb went off in everyone's head. Of course that was what it was! Hara had never dreamed of that before, asking people at every chance or opportunity if they wanted to live life with Jesus. And now that I think about it, it all makes so much sense! How often is it that people, by themselves and with no outside prompting, make the decision to follow Christ? How many of the conversions in the New Testament that we see are done solo? Does it not happen in pairs, or at least in groups?
This is one of the many secret sauces of following after God: community and the fellowship of believers. John Donne once wisely stated that no man has ever been alone:

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

Ah, the inter-connectivity of the Body of Christ! Life is meant to be done together. Thank God for that.

Finally What You've All Been Waiting For!

2009-06-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

Okay okay okay.
I know I've been bad at putting up photos, so here they are. But these ones are from the Dominican Republic and more exciting than my last bunch.
The main thing that I learned was how to rest. It seems like resting is something that I seem to think that I'm good at, but then I always realize that I really am not. A few weeks before I left for the trip, I was complaining to one of my roommates Ashley that I wouldn't be well rested until a month later (after going on the trip). She laughed and half-jokingly said that I would find plenty of rest in the DR. Man was she right!
We were driving into the town of Jarbacoa (Har-ba-coh-ah) and I happened to look out the window to my left. On the plane ride, I was wondering why specifically God wanted me to go on the trip (a probing question from Ashley again) and was a bit disappointed in myself for not necessarily knowing. But when I glanced out the window, I knew right then and there. I saw nothing out of the ordinary, simply a horse grazing in a green field. Psalm 23 immediately flashed in my mind:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul.

This is why I was there: to rest. And that is what we did.
Dominican culture is very slow. Things happen when they happen and there seems to be no reason for anyone to ever rush. It is okay if class starts 10 minutes late because the mothers of the preschoolers probably will be late picking them up anyway. The roads are bad at the very best, and most of the time you are lucky if the road you are driving on has half of its pavement left, if any at all. You can blame the tardiness on those, I guess.
I worked at a preschool in a town called Los Higos. All of the 12 students were sponsored in order to attend. The school was a recent addition to the town; it had just opened up in January and the results were already pouring in. The students who had just finished the semester (January to May) who were ready to go onto the public school were on average testing at first or second-grade reading and writing levels. By preparing the children of the poverty-stricken rural town for the primary grades, Students International helps to break the cycle of illiteracy and be able to send the children to the equivalent of an American high school or university.
They start off each day with the singing of the national anthem, a review of their letters and numbers, and a prayer. Class ensues for an hour, then recess for thirty minutes, another lesson for an hour, then lunch and siesta. A mother of one of the students would come in each day to cook a basic lunch of rice, beans, and either plantains or chicken. Then after lunch was finished, the kids would go inside and lay down for a nap for an hour. Then class would resume for about another hour, and then it was time to go home. After the children left, we had an hour before we needed to be back on the base, so we would go to a neighbor's house for Dominican coffee. This was not your normal cup o' joe. It was about three ounces of coffee and 5 tablespoons of sugar drunken from a very small cup. Delicious, but you are only allowed one cup at a time.
We would get back to the base around four o'clock and have free time until dinner. Then we would have some sort of night activity. We had "team time" about three times; there was a culture night in which we learned meringue and a cup passing game called Don Ramon; a night on the biblical view of poverty and the appropriate response to it.

Here are my top five photos with short explanations:

This is Waldy, fondly know as the "One-Toothed-Wonder." He was a brother of one of the little girls in our preschool and hung out with us all the time. A little ball of energy, he did have more than one tooth. What had happened was this-he had lost both of his front teeth (as young boys often do), and only one of them had grown fully in. The other one was slowly creeping out. We looked forward to seeing him every day. This picture captures his playful essence beautifully!

This is post-naptime hair. Gabbi and Vivianna style.

We got to go out to dinner on Saturday, and we opted to go to ice cream afterward at Splash. Ruby had parked herself on this carousal pony type thing that you put pesos into and it takes you for a little ride. While she had her back turned and was talking to the girls on the bench, Kali, Rob, and I conspired to get this thing to work while she was on it. We tried so hard! We shoved in peso after peso, but to no avail. The thing was broken! It was fun anyway.

Fridays are a half-day at the preschool, and so the intern from the Kid's Club invited us to go to the river with them.
"The river is suck. You cannot swim." This is what one man told us before we left for the river. What he was trying to say was that the river was dirty. The Spanish word for dirty is sucio; so homie thought that if he just took off the io at the end of the word, the correct English translation would magically appear. We got a good laugh out of that. It was a great hike and we got to swim in the crisp water. The boys started a mud-slinging fight in order to entice us to get in. This is before they turned on us.

And, of course, our wonderful team. Here we are at training, about five weeks before we left. We are comprised of students and leaders from Sonoma State, San Francisco State, Chico State, and Santa Rosa Junior College.

For more fun photos, look at these two (!) slide shows:

Here Are Some Photos!

2009-06-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

Here are pictures from Bay to Beakers, graduation, and the InterVarsity Camp.

Hope you have fun looking at them!

Its Been a While

2009-06-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends!
I'm sorry that it has been so long since I've posted last; my life has been practically insane in all areas. Here is a rundown of what has happened in the past, well, six (?) weeks:
1) Three friends and I ran Bay to Breakers, the race through San Francisco the day before finals week started. For me it wasn't that bad, since I only had one final this semester.
2) My last finals week happened! It was nice not really having a lot to do for myself, I helped out some friends and edited a whole bunch of final papers. I think within the last two or three weeks of school I helped edit/inspire about 80 pages of writing! Ah, it was wonderful.
3) InterVarsity had something called jouRney, a week long camp in which students get together and study the book of Mark for seven hours a day. They do it in two sections, Mark I and Mark II. I helped lead a table group for Mark I, part of my first official IV Intern duties!
4) I said adios to two of my dear friends and roommates, Danielle and Emily. They are getting married later this summer and moved off to their prospective new homes. Blessings upon them!
5) I spent two weeks in the Dominican Republic co-leading a mission trip with my good friend Rob. Another InterVarsity inspired trip, there were 14 students under our care and it went great! More about this adventure later.

At the moment, I'm quite tired and will figure out sometime soon how to do these fancy slideshows when I am more awake. The DR photos will be on a separate post so that I can tell more about the trip as well.

Until later,

Tamsen

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2009-05-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight at 5:00 I take my very last final of my Undergraduate Study at Sonoma State University. Its in Early American Literature.

In keeping with the tradition of putting off studying until the very last possible moment, I will pause and reflect on some highlights of my past four years at Sonoma State.

Freshman Year:
I moved in with 7 complete strangers and became great friends with all of them. By far, Freshman year has been the best year of my life so far. My bedtime went from 10:00 PM to about 1 or 2 AM, my diet went from mom's home cooking to fatty and salty caf food. I learned that it was important to study when a professor told you to, and that class may be "optional" in the sense that not all instructors take roll, but that if you opt out, your grade will eventually reflect your attendance. We did lots of fun stuff that year together. Beach days, a Halloween party in which we bobbed for apples, an Oscars Party, late-night study sessions, and cookie baking in our illegal toaster oven. I convinced my bible study to drive all the way to Sacramento to get ice cream at Leatherby's, went to Monterey with good friends for the weekend, and fell in love with Jesus all over again. Freshman year was great because I could re-invent myself into anything I wanted. I'm not sure if I changed too much, but I did choose into things and made them my own. My faith grew exponentially being away from home for the first time. I got to see what life (and faith) was outside of my home and as an "adult."

These are my roommates freshman year (L-->R): Emily, Ariel, Ashley, Me, Danielle, Sarah, Sam, and Alex.

Matt, Aaron, Emily, and I on the roof of the Monterey Hotel. We snuck up there.

My roommate Alex's good friend Macy came to visit us for a week. They "found" a table on the way home. This is how we improved it:

Macy and Sam painting the table in our bathroom. We all contributed to the masterpiece.

This is Sarah and I on our last night together. I slept on the couch the night she left because it was too strange to sleep in my room alone.

And how could I forget my mission trip to Costa Rica?! At the end a whole bunch of us got baptized. Such a phenominal way to end the trip.

Sophomore Year:

We moved from the freshman dorms into the apartments reserved for mostly sophomores. We lived with a French Foreign Exchange student, Constance Martin. She was a fabulous addition to the five of us crazies, and she is coming out this summer for two weeks to visit us all! This was my first year as a bible study leader with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, I found a church that I loved, and learned what it means to fight and reconcile well. God really taught me to love people, and put people in my life who were hard to love, just so I could practice on them.

We hosted an 80's themed birthday party for our friend April. Here we all are (L-->R): Ashley, Constance, Danielle, Ariel, Emily, and Me.

We adopted a roommate second semester. Jennifer Schedler was added to the mix and has stuck through the madness with us! Here she is on St. Patty's Day. Emily's family hosted us for traditional corn beef and cabbage. Yum!

I got in my very first car crash! I was driving Emily's in the parking lot and some chick backed right up into me! There we all are.

Here we are, moving out. This was during the kitchen packing session.

Junior Year:

We moved into a condo that was literally backed up to campus. There is a back gate, so we still walk to school every day. I had surgery over the summer to remove bunions from both my feet, and spent the summer back on OrangeVale. This is the year that Jennifer officially moved in with us. We decided to keep with the tradition of having dinners together. We got a taste of what a real "home-on-your-own" feels like, and liked it very much. Its like we officially became a family. My favorite class was California Ethic Literature with Bob Coleman. He kicked my butt.

My feet became bunion-less. There they are.

Jen, Ashley, and I all have birthdays in August. Our friends threw us a surprise party! We all had party hats. This is a picture of me blowing out Jen's candles.

My friend Juliann and I took an Art History class on Rodin's sculptures. Here we are at my favorite museum, The Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. Juliann is in between the Berghers of Calais.

This is the third year that my family has participated in the Run to Feed the Hungry. Or, as my father refers to it, the Shuffle to Feed the Hungry: you and your closest 30,000 friends.

Some friends and I walked to Golden Gate Bridge over our Intercession courses. This is Caroline and me!

We helped host a Super Bowl party for InterVarsity. Over 85 people came to one house! They were on the floor, on the stairs, upstairs, in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the study room, EVERYWHERE! We definately were breaking fire code. Ashley, Juliann, Caroline, Danielle and I were wiped out!

Matt, Ariel, and I went crazy over midterms. This was a really late night. At least I think it was.

Senior Year!

I spent the summer in McDermitt, Nevada working with Sierra Service Project. What a great summer! I came back to start my final year at SSU. Thankfully we didn't have to move, we had the pleasure of staying in our same house. Again I was taught how to love people well. I learned how to manage my time more efficiently, and found the importance of resting on a regular basis.

My staff for the summer (L-->R): Kelley, Marty, Lisa, Amy, Me, Jennifer, Mallory, Philip.

I turned 21! My roommates took me out to drinks at Applebee's and then made me dinner. Wonderful! This is Ariel, Danielle, and me.

We took a road trip! We went down to San Diego for Labor Day weekend. Here we are on the beach.

Our roommate Danielle got engaged! Here we are helping her shop for the dress. Rebbecca, Emily, Me, Brenna, Ava, Ashley, Jen, Jessy, and the bride. Just a few weeks after this, Emily got engaged too! Its that time of life, I suppose.

We went wine tasting! Korbel was our destination.

Three of us went on another road trip! We visited Jessy in Pine Valley. The four of us will be spending one more year together.

That is it for now! More final photos to come later. Graduation, Chapter Camp, and the Dominican Republic are coming up. Keep you all updated!

Poverty Quote of the Day

2009-05-11T15:32:00.001-07:00

"No matter how poor my neighbors may be I cannot define them by their poverty and their needs, because God defines them first as His children."

Thank you, Josh Maxwell.

The Hunt for Perfection

2009-05-10T00:57:00.000-07:00

Over spring break my two of my roommates and I took a road trip down to Southern California. One of our first stops was Pismo Beach, CA, a favorite spot on the central coast.

It was Jen's mission to find sand dollars--lots of sand dollars. As many as she could. So we woke up early the next morning in time to scope out the beach during low tide. The shore seemed to expand for miles the surf was out so far. Slightly overcast but still warm, it was a great day for shell hunting.

As we made our way down the steep stairs to the beach, I could not help myself from looking at the wood stairs beneath me, not only for the sake of concentration, but because it fascinated me as well, the way that the steps before me had been worn into divets and how the rail had been smoothed out by thousands of hands asking for its support. Those people too had been on missions.

Our feet finally hit sand and we kicked our sandals off, elated that the beach was so empty. Jen pulls out her baggie and diligently starts looking. Ashley and I are more enticed by the caves nearby and explore those for a while. But soon we were hunting along with Jen, turning over anything that looked slightly like a sand dollar with our toes. More often than not, we would dig our toes into the sand only to unearth a rock or a different shell.

At last I found one. I exclaimed with joy as I pulled it from the sand and shout to the others. As they come over to inspect it, their joy is not the same. "Its not a whole one," they say. "We only want ones that aren't broken."

Undeterred by this, I slip the half sand dollar into my pocket. I still think that it is pretty and that it will remind me always of our trip. But more importantly, it started me thinking about perfection.

Why is it something that we strive so hard to find, and yet are never able to attain it? Are we not imperfect beings? Will we not fail? Will we not sin? Will we ever be perfect?

I think that a lot of people put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect. The perfect student. The perfect daughter. The perfect employee. The perfect friend. The one who always looks perfect. These simply are masks we all wear. An acquaintance of mine says that perfection is a lofty goal. I think its a foolish one.

If we as humans are perfect in and of ourselves, we have no need for a perfect God (or any god at all). If there is no need for redemption, there is no need for a redeemer.

But I don't think that people are perfect. In fact, I know that people aren't and if they say they are they are lying. I think the problem is that we never admit to this.

How relieving it is to know that GOD is perfect. My grateful heart cannot help but to rejoice in the light of the knowledge that it doesn't matter if I am broken. It doesn't matter if the sand dollar is only half there. The one that created both it and I can redeem anything that I do to mess things up. God is bigger than my imperfection and has the ability to make all things new. For it is in Him that I am made perfect, through the continual redemption and forgiveness of Jesus. Praise the LORD for His unfailing love!

This God--His way is perfect; the promise of the LORD proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.

Psalm 18:30

My beautifully broken sand dollar.

Farewell, Dear Friend!

2009-05-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

My good friend Aimee left for Cambodia today. Please pray for her safety and heart as she stays there for a year to work with the Chab Dai Coalition. Many blessings on her time there!

The last time I saw Aimee. We had lunch at the Sunflower!

I Am...

2009-04-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

The past four years I've really tried to find out who I am. Moving away from home and having the opportunity to re-invent myself Freshman year was quite refreshing. I'm not sure that a lot a lot changed, but these are some of the following things I think I am:

a student
an English major
a daughter
a sister
a friend
a good listener
a roommate to five wonderful women
someone who loves to sing
a writer
a baker
an aspiring seamstress
a dreamer
someone who enjoys being crafty
a bargain hunter
smiley
a big nerd who really enjoys editing people's papers
a feeler who is really bent out to be a thinker (thanks Myers-Briggs)
someone who doesn't really like being defined by tests but succumbs to it when it seems necessary
a former swimmer
a student assistant at the front desk of Administration and Finance
a closet fashonista
someone who loves knowledge but sometimes places too much value in it
a leader with InterVarsity Christan Fellowship
a lover of (not-so) guilty pleasures
a lime popsicle connoisseur

As I sit and think about all these things I cannot help but to wonder if this is how I should be looking at myself. Is this the real me? Am I seeing past the rose-colored glasses? What about the Tamsen who can be too much of an idealist and tires herself out far too often? What about the Tamsen who tries to think the best of people and wears her heart on her sleeve which can often lead to a bruise? What about the Tamsen who cannot stand when people bicker over silly things and makes snide remarks with her sharp tongue? What about the rationale-loving Tamsen who can be so heartless at times? Am I allowed to re-invent these parts?

Shouldn't all these things simply fade away in the glory of the One who made me?

2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

We're Growing Up.

2009-04-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm graduating in May. Today I officially agreed to dedicate the next year of my life to campus ministry with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at Sonoma State University. It feels good to know what I'm doing for the next year!
I was just replying to an email my friend Aimee sent me and reflecting on life. She just graduated from Cal Baptist in December and is leaving in early May for Cambodia. She will be working with an organization that combats human trafficking on a variety of levels. It seems like Aimee and I haven't really known each other that long, but in reality we've been good friends for five years.
Our friends from SSU Katie and Phil just got engaged last Thursday. I was talking to our friend Heather and she has known Katie since 7th grade. She said all she could think about when Katie told her was the first time they met in junior high and Katie was running around the hallways all awkward in leggings.
Earlier this week I was thinking about the first time I met all my current roommates. Freshman year, we were all scared and strange little 18 year olds on their own for the first time, looking for a friend. There is no way we would have though that some of us would spend the next four years together. How much I will miss the ones who are moving on!
O how the Lord has blessed me with good friends and wonderful fellowship in my life! He is growing us into men and women who follow after the calling of the Gospel. Aimee will literally be setting the captives free with her ministry in Cambodia. Phil, along with one of my long-time roommates Ashley, will continue to preach the Gospel of repentance and forgiveness of sins at Santa Rosa Junior College. My roommate Jen is choosing to enter into Sonoma's Multiple Subjects Credential program in hopes of creating change through early education. By the love of the Lord and following the movements of the Spirit the world will be changed.

Good Good

2009-04-07T11:09:00.001-07:00

This past week I've just been reminded time and time again how good God can be.

Its been really nice.

I like these reminders.

How has God been Good in your life recently?

Beach Scenes

2009-03-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

Some friends and I went to the beach a couple of months ago and had a blast! Hope you enjoy the pictures.

I played around on the computer with this one, the origional is pretty cool, too.

Another one I "fixed." The sharpening effect works great!

Splashin' in the surf.

Everyone loves a jumping picture (even if there are strangers in the background).

So glad Robbie brought his skimboard!

Our resident surfer, Kevin.

The lifeguards made this one.

A Bigger Kingdom

2009-03-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and made some pancakes. Before I started, I wanted to put on something to listen to before I started, just loud enough for me to hear but also just quiet enough to not wake the sleeping roommates. As I was flipping though my CD case, I came upon my Caedmon's Call Share the Well album. I bought it four years ago when I was a freshman, and it still remains one of my favorite CDs of all time.
So I threw it in our stereo and started making pancakes. The album was inspired by the group's trips to India, Brazil, and Ecuador. They decided that it was important to incorporate the different cultural qualities into their music. As well as inviting some of the natives to sing and perform on the album with them, the band wrote songs about not only the love of God, but also the love of God in the face of poverty and social injustice.
My favorite track of the album is International Love song. It goes like this:

Can I take your picture, put it in my billfold
You’ll never believe where I will take you
Can I have your headband, put it in my suitcase
You know I’m always gone before I think to thank you
I’m a soul that wanders in the field between
The Hyatt and the Leela
Empty as a tiffen in the afternoon

A perfect love is a world without hunger
A perfect love is a world without hunger

Freckles on your forehead, twinkle in your eye
You look just like my true love
Is she in your village when can I meet her
She’s so indigenously dressed, You’re so indigenously dressed

I’m a thumb that wanders through the pages of
The National Geographic
Staring at my cell phone in an airport lounge

A perfect love…Maybe I’ll stay here…is a world without hunger
Maybe I’ll take you home
A perfect love…Where do we go from here…is a world without hunger

You know a perfect love is a world without hunger
I’ve never seen it
I’ve never heard of it before
But I keep on looking for
A world without hunger

Cricket for baseball, polo for golf…
Curry for ketchup and barbeque sauce…
Lookin’ to find a reason to shine…
Waitin’ in rickshaws standing in line
Or wandering through the field between
The Hyatt and the Leela
Empty as a tiffen…

As I sit and think about the words, I cannot help but to think that I will never know the constraints of hunger and poverty. Never will I truly experience it for myself. Never will I be fearful of going hungry, starving, or drinking contaminated water on a consistent basis.
But for more than two0thirds of the world, this is not the case. Thousands die each day due to preventable diseases and hunger. Should this not push our hearts towards compassion and empathy? Should we not be good stewards of what we have been blessed with and work towards a world that is without hunger? A world without sin?
"A perfect love is a world without hunger." If all the Christians in the world loved so well, cared for their neighbors well and put others above themselves, this could be a reality. We should be seeing things like social injustice through Kingdom Eyes-seeing the love of God for all people, no matter geographical or social positions. Past sins are forgotten by the Love of the Son (John 4, John 8) and lives are changed. Should we not do the same?
There is a bigger Kingdom in which we are neither rulers or kings. We are subjects to the Most High God, who rules with justice and grace. We are simply beggars showing others where to find food. All are invited to the feast, all are welcome to the table. We need to be ready to receive fully what the Lord has blessed us with and be ready to receive and share His provision.
Jesus is all I need.

I'm a Poet?

2009-03-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

This is a poem that I wrote in my grammar class. Though you would enjoy it!

The deadly toaster sits under the shelf of teacups.
It faithfully electrifies my owner when it rains.
The shiny contraption burns the fresh bagels,
Its old mechanics toasts too much
Everything it comes in contact with.
It is a sturdy box that heats the counter underneath.
The bulwark slowly cools,
The useful tool breaks for the last time.
So long, old friend!

It's Official!

2009-03-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

Well friends, I finally turned it in.
"What did you turn in, Tamsen?" you may be asking.
My intern application for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, that is!
Upon my graduation, I hope to do part-time campus ministry with IVCF. I have my interview on March 20th where I'll be discussing my application with the area director and the team leader as SSU. The same day I'll be finding out where I'll be placed! Yay!

Happy Mardi Gras, People.

2009-02-24T07:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, Lent starts tomorrow.
No, I'm not going to stay up all night doing the thing that I've decided to give up.
I'm convinced that Lent has turned into simply an excuse to party on a Tuesday.
I didn't grow up in a church that participated in Lent and didn't really have a chance to experience it for myself until my freshman year of college. Even then, I didn't really do it for the sake of giving up something for God, I did it because one of my roommates was Catholic and wanted to try out a bit of church tradition for myself.
Either way, I've decided to keep participating in Lent ever since, but my attitude around it has changed. As far as I understand it, Lent is supposed to be a time (40 days) that you spend in sacrifice of one thing or another that has the chance to lead you away from the Lord. Its an extended period of fasting, but not necessarily from food. My first Lent I somehow convinced a whole bunch of people to give up drinking all liquids save water, which was really hard since I was (and still am) addicted to tea and the chocolate milk in the cafeteria. Sophomore year I gave up bad posture (this was an inspiration from my friend Robbie, he always has immaculate posture). I don't even remember what I gave up last year. But this year I think things will be different.
I'm giving up being busy. I do a lot of things. Not necessarily that they are bad things, but I can get stressed out and forget to rest. We see that rest is a common thing in the Bible, and God even mandates it in one of the Ten Commandments (remember something about the Sabbath? Day of rest? Oh yeah!). I think this is a way that God wants his people to be well taken care of. If we were to just go running around like a chicken with it's head cut off all the time, then we would forget the Lord's goodness and how he cares for us.
So instead of purposefully forgetting to put things on my to-do list, I've decided that I will try to make it more manageable and stop looking at it every hour of the day. I've been learning recently that if we really want God to be moving in our relationships and growing us and others, then we need to have time in our schedules for God to "interrupt" our plans. We should welcome any divine inconvenience that comes our way.
So happy Mardi Gras, and an even happier Lent. May the Lord Jesus Christ bless His people!

"Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you!" Psalm 116:7

Meditate Please.

2009-02-10T22:29:00.001-08:00

Richard Wurmbrand writes:
"Learn to read the Bible slowly, breathing rhythmically, with pauses to put in the correct accents. In this way you can immerse yourself in the spirit in which the Bible was written, and thus be able to participate in the Oneness which is its essence" (100 Prison Meditations).
How foolish I've been! For years I've expected my daily fulfilment of the Word to come from the five minutes I read while eating my cereal in the morning. I've been reading the Bible all wrong.
The Word gives instruction on itself. One must sit, think, reflect, and meditate on the words of the LORD. Psalm 1 says, "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners;, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night (vs 1,2).
Pretty sure the last time I meditated on the Word was...um...never.
Sure, I've read some of it over multiple times, studied it, pulled out my Bible dictionary and commentary in hopes of understanding it better. Instead I've cultivated a habit of laziness and spiritual poverty. I've cheated myself of the very thing that brings me closer to Him.
I used to wonder why, when reading of conversion stories in the New Testament, my soul has been so unmoved. Certainly I have experienced this joy and redemption for myself, but why has it not moved me to tell others? Often I've marveled at the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. She experiences Jesus once and tell s the whole town. John recounts this story in his gospel: "Many Samaritans from that city believed in him because of the woman's testimony...(4.39).
Have I not felt the same spirit pull my wicked soul from the depths of Sheol? Have I not too been redeemed? How much more her faith is than mine!
I have been unmoved because I have refused to meditate on the precepts of the LORD. I have expected my cup to be filled with living water, all the while forgetting to dip it into the well.

This is from December! Oops.

2009-02-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

I was going through my journal and realized that I hadn't posted this. I think its good, so here it is!

As I reflect back on the past few weeks, I started to realize that I've been crying a lot. Its not because I've been upset or sad, but because I've been grateful for the ways the LORD has been moving in my life. Time and time again the LORD's goodness has overwhelmed me and I cannot hold back the tears.
How good He is to us all! He loves us for who we are, the wretched sinner who everyday betrays her Beloved. I mourn over my sin and weep with gladness at the forgiveness I've found. The LORD is a God of redemption and love, punishing me with grace. In no way do I deserve any of the things which He so abundantly gives. I run and I struggle, kick against the goads, only to find they are keeping me on the narrow and straight. When I see my wounds, He is there to bandage them. When I sin, He is ready to forgive. When I run away, He waits eagerly for my return.
Praise be to God for the forgiveness of sin and redemption of souls! Shout His name with gladness, for His steadfast love is great!

Dear Fellow Blog Stalkers

2009-02-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends,

I know its been a while since I've posted last, don't worry, good things will be coming soon. I just need some more time to think about all the things I want to say! I have a running list of topics I want to write on, they are just spending some time marinating at the moment. So for your fun and enjoyment, here are some facts about myself.

1. I have three sisters and we all have blue eyes. So do both our parents.
2. I love being a nerd.
3. I find useless trivia to be one of the best things ever. Also hyperbole.
4. I work at the front desk of the Administration and Finance office at SSU. The full time receptionist, Susan, also sits up here with me. She plays the same online radio station every day. Smooth jazz. Too bad they only have 12 songs that they play over and over and over...
5. I often enjoy asking people to tell me something I don't know when there is a lull in the conversation...its fun to see what they come up with!
6. Even though I am an English major, I really don't know a lot about grammar or have an extensive vocabulary. These are things I am working on.
7. Beverly Hills 90210 is one of my guilty pleasures. Also listening to Beyonce (please don't judge me).
8. I didn't learn how to spell the word "vacuum" until my sophomore year in college. Oops!
9. I don't like eating bananas plain but I really do enjoy them in other food (bread, pancakes, milkshakes, etc.)
10. My favorite punctuation mark is the parentheses.
11. I like to go to bed earlier than the normal college student (10.30 or 11) and then wake up earlier as well (sleeping in is 8).
12. I truly enjoy sarcasm, but my favorite type of humor is wit because it is subtle and you have to pay attention to get it.
13. I quite enjoy going to museums. It doesn't really matter what it is about, I mostly go to art museums.
14. I love Jesus.
15. My favorite comfort foods are biscuit goodie and stinky cheese casserole. Wright family favorites!
16. Cooking is one of my favorite things to do.
17. As much as I know this is completely against any sort of 21st century "I am woman hear me roar" type of thinking, I would love to be a housewife.
18. Aesthetics are extremely important to me. Sometimes I think I'm shallow because of this.
19. I'm completing this thing at work. I get paid to do this. I also get paid to go on adventures with Katelynn (one of the other student assistants). One of our favorite things to do when things are really slow is to sneak off to the Pub on campus and fetch nachos.
20. I really like to write. Sometimes I just sit around and think of cool titles for things and hope that something will come up from that. More often than not I just have a list of cool titles hanging around my desk/journal waiting to be written.
21. I will drive all the way from Rohnert Park CA to go to Leatherby's Ice Cream Parlor. It has been done on several occasions.
22. I really enjoy making strange faces at my friends. But the best thing is when they respond with an equally strange face.
23. I want to be someone who gives away most of the money they make off of their career.
24. I say the word "fabulous" far too much.
25. I am an unashamed blog stalker. Also I stalk people on Facebook. Its just a sign of affection.

Thank You, Oswald.

2009-01-20T15:32:00.000-08:00

I came across this Oswald Chambers quote today:

Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the disposition that ruled Him will rule us. It will cost everything that is not of God in us.

I've heard that God desires all of us. I believe this to be true, as we find in scripture that He is a jealous God. When we fully give ourselves to Him, it does cost everything of us. Our entire being must be forfeited at the foot of the Cross, willing to give ourselves completely to the One who created and loves us. When we drop to our knees in repentance and thankfulness, we must not let pride get in the way of the Lord having His way with us. We cannot tell the Lord, "Oh no, my shame is too great for you. My feet are too dirty, you cannot wash them."

Peter has a similar instance with Jesus at the Last Supper in John 13:

Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. So He came to Simon Peter. He said to Him, "Lord, do You wash my feet?" Jesus answered and said to him, "What I do you do not realize now, but you will understand hereafter." Peter said to Him, "Never shall You wash my feet!" Jesus answered him, "If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me" (vs. 5-8).

We cannot ever be too stained to be remedied by the cleansing blood of the Lamb. It may cost us everything, but it is worth losing it all. The Kingdom of God costs everything, and at the same time is worth everything.

(In)Significance

2009-01-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

This is something that I wrote during finals week but just decided to post.

It definitely was one of those days. Cold, rainy, finals week, gray. I felt so insignificant.
Having no finals, I volunteered my day to go into work for some extra hours, welcoming the extra money. But instead of sitting at home with nothing to do, I sat at a desk all day instead. Sure, I watered the plethora of poinsettias in the office, did minimal filing and answered a few phone calls, but the majority of my day was spent doing nothing of significance.
It was four thirty and time to go home. Joyfully I walked out of the office, looking forward to the time I was going to spend at home with my roommates. It was my night to cook and I was making a Wright Family specialty, Stinky Cheese Casserole. Right as I was about to throw it all in the casserole dish to cook, my phone rang.
A local number came up, urgently screaming for my attention. Resisting the urge to silence my phone and not answer, I picked up. It was Kelly, the older brother of the young man I tutor. He was wondering if I was coming in today, he was under the impression that I was going to be there at five; it was now forty-five minutes later. Racking my brain for any solid conversation with his mom the week earlier, I explained to Kelly that I was supposed to come in only if the needed me and was waiting for a call. Frazzled by the miscommunication and slightly frustrated, I told him that I would be there in twenty minutes.
Oh, how I did not want to go! I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home when I could read and go to bed early. So against my plans was what was being thrown in front of me!
As I drove to their house, I prayed that God would grant me an extra measure of patience. Knowing that I was tired and easily irritable, it was not the best time for me to engage in something demanding.
I arrived and Keegan was already sitting at his computer waiting for me. His assignment was out on his desk and he was staring intently at the words on the page. I hope he's focused today, I though to myself as I sat down. I don't know if I can handle it if he isn't.
Just my luck, for the first half hour Keegan was easily agitated, distracted, and panicked. The cerebral palsy acts up when the weather is cold outside and was giving him an extremely hard time today. His muscles contracted in his arms and pulled them close to his chest, his jaw pulled open wide and his breath happened in harsh-sounding gasps. It is a hard thing to watch when you know that you can do nothing to stop the pain you see in his eyes. The muscles contorted in ways that he did not intend. His hands were raw from unintentional biting, his fingers curling up into unbearably tight fists.
All I can do is watch. I try to encourage him to take deep breaths as he stares at me with wide eyes, undoubtedly thinking that if only he could control his breathing in a moment like this he would. But no words come out, only heavy, uncontrolled breathing. No words have ever come out, only very basic vowel sounds and yells of protests come from him, contributable to the advanced palsy.
Finally he calms down enough to focus and write his last rearing response for the semester. At this point I am already tired and my patience is wearing thinner every moment. I ask the Lord for more, and graciously the Lord lends me some.
We finish the assignment and I leave to go home. The radio gets turned off in the car as I drive down their street. I sigh loudly and start to pray. I tell the Lord of how worthless my day was, how I did nothing, how I produced nothing, how insignificant I was on the whole. As my thoughts formed into words spoken aloud to my Creator, my eyes welled up with tears. "Why, Lord? I've lived another day and yet have nothing to show for it. I've done nothing!"
I remembered James's words to the Jewish bretheren who were scattered abroad: Rejoice! If one was happy , rejoice; if one was mourning, rejoice; giving thanks to God in all circumstances. Desiring this in my own heart, I turned from the "woe is me" mindset to one that was thankful.
I remembered the ways in which the Lord redeems and loves me every moment I live, how He paid to set me free, how He loves me. I remember that He has adopted me as a daughter of grace, inviting me to sit at the table where I don't belong. When I am in the full love of the Lord, I cannot see my brokenness. Not one is insignificant to the Lord.

This is What Happens on Christmas Eve

2009-01-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it has officially started. One of my best friends and roommates for the past four years(!) has gotten herself engaged!
Danielle Stanton will sometime (hopefully within the next year) become Mrs. Brian Swanson. Woo hoo! I can't wait to be a part of their life together. Many blessings on the future Swanson family!

The happy couple

Brian's stellar choice in rings

For Your Viewing Enjoyment

2008-12-14T20:32:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures from some of my adventures this past semester! Hope you enjoy them.

Attributes

2008-12-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

The summer before I moved to college I worked at a stationery store called Papyrus with my sister Kate a girl named Tarissa. We remained friends for a short time afterwards and kept in contact via email. I haven't heard from Tarissa in ages, but whether she knows it or not she has profoundly influenced me in ways I have a hard time describing.
In one of these long-ago emails, she had mentioned something about choosing an attribute of God to focus on for a year. Each year she would pick a new one and try to gain more insight and practice into that specific characteristic. I thought this was a great idea and have been doing it since (I think).
My first attribute was courage. I hear often from various people and sources that the most often-repeated commandment in the Bible is to fear not or some variation of it. So I spent a year on courage, learning when to speak and when to hold my tongue, when to act and when to wait. It takes courage to listen to the Lord and seek discernment and then to do what He has lead you into. Following after Jesus takes courage.
My second attribute was faithfulness, to constantly say yes to the things that the Lord has called me to be faithful to. Relationships, friendships, reading my Bible, praying, my studies, resting, finding counsel, being counsel for others, leading with InterVarsity, serving and loving those around me. It has been teaching me to be selfless while still caring for myself and doing my best to rest well and find the rest that Psalm 23 talk about.
So for the Year of Our Lord 2009, I will be choosing the attribute of generosity. Its something that the Lord has been placing on my heart for the past couple of months and has always been something that I've admired in others. I've heard that the patterns that people develop in college will most likely stay with them throughout the rest of their lives, so we better start practicing them now. It definitely is something that I want my life to be marked by. Pray that I learn it well.

All Right, I'll Do It.

2008-11-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

Amanda tagged me. I'm not exactly sure if there is something I'm supposed to write in particular, so I'll just write whatever the heck I want.

1. I'm supposed to be writing an astronomy research paper right now. I have all the research done, waiting on my computer for me to transfer it into something manageable and non-plagiarized. I have the first two paragraphs done, and I was on the NASA website and then got distracted... Oh blogs.

2. I love being a nerd. I think it runs in the family. If you have ever met anyone else in the Wright Family, you will know why I am the way I am. We are all knowledge junkies, we love trivia, and often have useless tidbits of information to spout off at any time. The name of Paul Revere's horse? Brown Beauty. The place where Jeb Steward was shot? The Yellow Tavern. The first First Lady to appear on television? Betty Ford. And much, much more.

3. I really like recycling. And I hate bottled water. Why bottle something and sell it for 1000000 times the price it really costs you to produce it when consumers can actually get perfectly fine water that is drinkable and won't cause them bowel issues right out of their taps at home? Not to mention the amount of energy and waste that goes into making those dumb bottles. Just get a Sigg or a Kleen Kanteen. Spend 20 bucks on one and it lasts you literally years, and can save you a lot of moolah in the long run.

4. I sometimes laugh like a machine gun. Short, loud, and obnoxious, I get this from my dad. I look like him and laugh like him. We both wear glasses. My BFF Shannon sometimes makes guns with her fingers and pretends like she is shooting things when I laugh. This only makes me laugh harder.

5. I love Jesus. I think most people know this, but its just fun to say sometimes. I LOVE JESUS!

6. I have nothing more to say at the moment.

People I'd like to tag who probably won't do it:

I've Been Published!

2008-11-22T23:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. So I admit the title may be a little misleading, but true nonetheless. I had an editorial published in the Sonoma State Star newspaper. I read a scathing editorial by one of the professors at SSU and couldn't help but reply. Here is what he wrote:

Dear Editor,
If I was a California Chicken I'd be celebrating right now. As a human, it was a Black week--Uncle Tom in the White House, gay marriage down in flames here in Jesus-land.
It is appalling that a slim majority of America-hating Christo-fascists, these bigoted Bible-thumping, born gain (*yes, he did forget the "a" in again) blue-noses, can so easily trample the First Amendment guarantee of Separation of Church and State and the Fourteenth Amendment guarantee that All Citizens Are Equal Before the Law.
They have put their theology into our State's Constitution and they have put a Special Right for special classes of citizens into our State's Constitution as well. (The Supreme Court should be outraged--but it won't be.)
"Ba-RAACK Ba-RAACK BaRAACK!" -- I'm trying to sound like a celebratory chicken.

RL, Professor of Mathematics

So, here is what I wrote in reply:

Dear Editor,

I am writing in response to "Shocking results: Animal rights trump gay rights [Issue 12].
As one who identifies as what the author calls an "America-hating Christo-fascist," and a "bigoted Bible-thumping born [a]gain blue nose," I believe that his accusations were both unfair and inconsiderate.
As followers of Jesus, many Christians today, including myself, felt torn between the two sides of Proposition 8. On one hand, it is immensely hard to divorce oneself from the words of the Bible that looks down on any sort of sexually promiscuous lifestyle (1 Corinthians 6:8-10). And looking to the other side, they see God's desire for His children to promote equality in His Kingdom and for all in it (Job 31:13-15; Proverbs 22:2).
It seems that with this proposition, the Christians of California have come to an impasse. If they cast their votes yes, they are participating in the marginalization of a people group; and if they cast their votes no, they contradict their own moral and doctrinal standards of the Church. Undoubtedly a catch-22.
I am shocked at the author's immediate blame placed upon the Church for the success of this proposition. I am convinced that this proposition was not passed solely on by the influence of Christians, rather, I know many who voted No on Prop 8 because they felt it to be unjust; and they mourned with the gay community as they watched it pass.
It is the job of Christians to love people in the same manner that Christ loves the Church, regardless of their personal choices or lifestyles. The Lord desires nothing more to love His children and to see them loving one another.

Tamsen Wright, a follower of Jesus

So whaddaya think?

A Lesson in Disobedience

2008-11-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

As the child of a teacher, I've always prided myself in being somewhat of a nerd. Homework is done on time, tests were never failed, and anything less than your best was never accepted.
Even when I moved away from home and went to college, I was that nerdy kid who did all the assigned reading and rarely skipped class. The picture of disappointed parents would always pop in my head if I thought about playing hooky. In my head they would say, "We are paying for you to become educated, Tamsen, not socialized." The line would never fail to get me in class.
Things didn't really change until recently. It was the weekend of Fall Conference, InterVarsity's first (and big) conference of the year. I was excited to go but also slightly overwhelmed at the amount of reading that was due the following Monday. Being the ever diligent student, I brought the 180 page linguistics book with me and had full intentions on reading the entire thing.
Friday night had come and gone, as well as the majority of Saturday. We had an hour before dinner, to be followed with our night session, free time, then bed. I looked at my reading. Only 137 pages to go.
My mind kicked into panic mode. I became moody and worried. For some reason I felt slightly nauseous at the thought of how much I still had to do.
The dinner bell rang and we all filed inside. The meal continued and we put our trays away. Twenty minutes until we had to go to the session, and I was trying to be a good student and do my reading in the cafe area. My friend Robbie came up to me and asked if I was doing the reading for the class we had together on Mondays. "Yes," I said, exasperated. "There is so much to do and I just don't want to!"
He looks at me and says, "You are actually going to d it?"
I think to myself, "Of COURSE I'm going to do it!!! Isn't that what I'm at college for?" Thankfully my tongue was not as quick as my thoughts and I merely sighed.
"You're such a good student, Tam," he says to me. Too bad I'm still stressed.
I continue to think about his words, his disbelief in my desire to do my homework. Why should it surprise him that I would be diligent to my studies? Why was it bothering me this much?
I finally understood. I was being a Martha when the LORD desired for my heart to be like that of a Mary. Luke recounts the story in the 10th chapter of his Gospel, with Jesus proclaiming, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and trouble about many things; one thing is needful. Mary has chosen the good portion, which shall not be taken from her" (Luke 10:41).
Mary had chosen the better. She had opted out of busying herself with what was expected of her by her sister Martha and sat at the feet of Christ, ready to hear His every word. In doing my reading and being faithful to my studies, I was not sinning. I do not think that Martha was sinning when she was serving and hosting Christ and the disciples. And yet in her seemingly disobedient act, Mary was the one who was praised. She chose to sit and listen, she was allowing her heart to be changed and molded by the teachings of Jesus. How much better!
At the next opportunity, I promptly closed my book and put it in my backpack for the remainder of the weekend. I was ready to hear from the LORD.

*Author's note: Mom and Dad, don't worry, I'm still doing my reading. I promise I won't fail out of my classes! :D

Life's Simple Pleasures

2008-10-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

Mondays aren't really as bad as they seem. This is why:

I wake up and go to my Astronomy 100 class. Its just your classic Freshmen GE class, but yes, I am taking it as a senior. Then I spend four hours at work with Susan and Rosa and Barbara who always keep life interesting. At 1:00, I have a lunch break for an hour before heading off to Explorations in Language. This class is not half as interesting as it sounds, it really just drags along like nothing else.

But after class is the good part. I come home and my roommate Jen is the only one home, most of the time with dinner ready to eat. We go on a run, eat when we get home, and hang out. There is a new frozen yogurt place that just recently opened called Brain Freeze and we have a whole bunch of buy-one-get-one coupons. Needless to say, this has become part of our Monday Night tradition! Yay for Fro-Yo nights with Jen!

This is Jen and I at graduation this spring. It was raining and we were making faces under our umbrella. We are good at making these faces.

My New Not-So-Childish Ambition

2008-09-27T17:59:00.001-07:00

As I was watching college football with my roommates last weekend, I have been inspired to become something new. USC was playing, and it was the beginning of the game, Tommy Trojan was riding around the stadium on his white stallion with his plume and cape streaming behind him. Fans were cheering, people were happy. Then the best part comes: Tommy the Trojan unsheathed his sword and stabs it into the ground in a tidal wave of symbolism.

That was the moment my fate was decided: If I were to be a part of a college and/or professional sport, i would want nothing more than to be the mascot. I'm pretty sure though being any mascot would be fun, I thing being SC's would be the best. Why, you ask? Duh. The sword!

So sorry to all you Bruins fans, the bear just doesn't do it for me. But since my dreams of being Tommy Trojan probably will not happen since I am not a male, maybe I'll show up for the Bruins Mascot Tryouts next year. I'll keep you posted.

Taking Courage

2008-09-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm currently going through the book of 2nd Chronicles during my devotion time each morning. I think sometimes we as believers can get caught up in the New Testament (not like its a bad thing) and forget how the LORD has paved the way and provided for His people before Christ's coming. So in light of that, I've been trying to journey through the OT as much as I can.
I came across an interesting verse the other day and haven't really stopped thinking about the concept. It is when the King of Judah, Asa, hears the words of a prophet telling the king that the LORD is with him. It says, "When Asa heard these words, the prophecy of Azariah the son of Oded, he took courage, and put away the abominable idols from all the land of Judah and Benjamin..." (2 Chronicles 15:8). Asa took courage. How interesting this statement is to me! Taking courage, as if it sits on a shelf or on the floor of my closet, easy to put on as a pair of socks.
What if it is really that easy? If we know that the LORD is all good, all loving, all-gracious and all-giving, why would taking courage be any harder than taking a breath? If we trust that the lot is cast into the lap, but the decision is wholly from the LORD, we have no reason to fear anything in our paths. We can take courage, for we know intimately the love and care of the LORD.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage, be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

The Soundtrack of My Life

2008-09-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

I was walking from work on campus today to the place I have lunch almost every day (Charlie Brown's Cafe, CBC for the locals), and there was what is called a Nooner. Every Tuesday in one of the main quads there is a band or a musician who sets up shop and plays his or her music for an hour. As I was half listening to the solo and unplugged girl up there, it got me thinking about something absolutely dire: If my life had a soundtrack, what would be on it? So I put together one as soon as I got home today. I made a rule for myself that it had to be on my iTunes (but there is one exception) and there could only be one song from a band or artist. Here is what came up in no specific order:

Pocket Full of Sunshine-Natasha Benningfield (the exception)

Stillness-Aaron Shust

Blue Suede Shoes-Elvis Presley

Little Bitty Pretty One-Hootie and the Blowfish

I Want to Hold Your Hand-The Beatles

Ring of Fire-Johnny Cash

Please, Before I Go-Derek Webb

My Own Two Hands-Jack Johnson and Ben Harper

Down in the River to Pray-Allison Krauss

Far Away-Ingrid Michaelson

Compliante de la Butte-Rufus Wainwright

Hey-Jordan Yee

Where the Green Grass Grows-Tim McGraw

Suddenly I See-KT Tunstall

Girl From the North Country-Bob Dylan

Blue Eyes-Elton John

Table for Two-Caedmon's Call

No One's Gonna Love You-Band of Horses

Better Days-Goo Goo Dolls

The Blood-Shane and Shane

Beautiful Scandalous Night-Sixpence None the Richer

Weatherman-Damien Rice

Dancin' in the Moonlight-Toploader

Sing Hallelujah-Joe and Eddie

The Last Time He Saw Dorrie-Copeland

For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti-Sufjan Stevens

Gravity-Shawn McDonald

Swallowed in the Sea-Coldplay

Summertime-Mae

Elephant Love Medley-Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman

When in Rome-Nickel Creek

Resurrection-Paul Wright

Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol

Look After You-The Fray

Sinkin' Soon-Norah Jones

Collide-Jars of Clay

Hear You Me-Jimmy Eat World

Beautiful Day-U2

Slow Motion-David Gray

I Shall Not Walk Alone-Ben Harper

Into the Sun-Lifehouse

Prayers of the Saints-Dave Barnes

Martyrs and Thieves-Jennifer Knapp

Bohemian Rhapsody-Queen

Break Bread-Josh Garrels

My Love Hasn't Grown Cold-Bethany Dillon

Its All Coming Back to Me Now-Celine Dion

I Will Wait-The David Crowder Band

So as this is the official (but not necessarily permanent) soundtrack to my life, feel free to check any of these people out on iTunes. They are all fabulous. Go forward with music.

Home

2008-09-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

I'm taking this great class with a focus on Jewish Literature, even more focused on the ideas of home and exile. Our professor had us do a free write today for about twenty minutes on the idea of home-where we feel at home, what it is like, etc. Then we were to write about a place that we have visited that had an impact or was special in our lives. Here is what I wrote:

The meaning of home is solid and yet fluid, can mean the place I grew up or the place I sleep at night. Generally it means a place where the people I love reside, where I can also love.
My dad always says that home is where the toothbrush is. In that case, I've got at least two, maybe up all the way to four. One in Rohnert Park, two in OrangeVale, and maybe one in Santa Clarita.
If this truly is the case, I've had many homes, the most recent being in McDermitt, Nevada. Six weeks in the desert on an Indian Reservation, the classroom where my coworkers and I slept certainly was home. We slept there, we escaped the noisy campers, we got some quiet and sanity there. It was not home forever, but certainly a good season.
I won't have a permanent home here on Earth. I was not meant to stay here, and I don't want to either. When I have the knowledge of a place where the streets are made of gold and a King reigns forevermore, why would I ever desire to stay on earth? No, my home is in heaven with Jesus. I've seen Jesus my Lord, and desire nothing more but to be with Him.

I've Become a Humanitarian

2008-08-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this wonderful book that somehow I acquired called Revolution in World Missions. It is written by a man with the name of K.P. Yohannan, a native of India. He is the founder and international director for Gospel for Asia. His words are so convicting! Picture this:

Its Friday morning and I'm sitting at the front desk of the Administration and Finance office at Sonoma State University. I'm the new Student Assistant, which really means that I just sit around and direct people to go somewhere if they come in. Needless to say, there is a lot of down time and I'm allowed to read if there is nothing for me to do.

I pick up the words of K.P. Yohannan, and find my eyes soon being stung by tears. He writes,

"Substituting a bowl of rice for the Holy Spirit and the Word of God will never save a soul and will rarely change the attitude of a man's heart. We will not even begin to make a dent in the kingdom of darkness until we life up Christ with all the authority, power, and revelation that is given to us in the bible...Thailand owes to missionaries its widespread literacy, first printing press, first university, first hospital, first doctor and almost every other benefit of education and science. In every area, including trade and diplomacy, Christian missionaries put the needs of the host nation first and helped usher in the 20th Century. Meanwhile, millions have slipped into eternity without the Lord. They have died more educated, better governed and healthier-but they died without Christ and they are bound for hell."

Ouch. I realized that my heart for doing good works and compassion projects was for the betterment of humanity, not for the spreading of the gospel. If a woman dies with her belly full of rice and yet without the Lord, what good have I really done? I have forgotten to include Jesus and the saving grace in my daily life. I have overlooked the eternal needs of the men and women around me only to be blinded by the overwhelmingly large task of their physical needs. A man on his deathbed will still listen to the news of Jesus if he is hungry. Perhaps it is not physical food that he hungers for, rather food of the Spirit. A dying man can be brought into new life.

Now I do not believe that meeting people's physical needs is a bad thing. It is a great thing to be educated and with a full belly and clothes on your back. Its also good to help people gain these things for themselves as well. But when I have the saving knowledge of Christ crucified and raised again and yet do not give it, then what good have I really done?

Blah, Blah, Blah, LOVE.

2008-08-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

While we were in McDermitt, Mallory told us a story she had heard about a young girl whose family was talking to their pastor after church one Sunday. Upon being asked if she had enjoyed the sermon, they little girl replied that she had. When asked why, she said, "Well, it was just like the one last week: blah, blah, blah, love."
The insight of this girl intrigued me. I once was listening to a sermon from a man named Gil Stigleitz. In this sermon he told the congregation that if they walk away from a sermon and fail to love better, then it was as if they had slept through church.
Something that I've been asking the Lord to show me for a long time is to do this: to follow His commandment to love Him and His people. But it wasn't until recently that I realized that if I keep praying this, I will continually be challenged by those whom he places in my life specifically to answer this prayer.
If I ask for lessons on love, then will not the Lord place those who he knows are hard to love in my life? He will continually be humbling me and showing me the ceaseless love that He has and encouraging me to do the same; free of judgement, resentment, and selfishness. I've found that it is impossible to love without humility and a deep understanding of grace.

Bye Bye Campers!

2008-07-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well, we sent off the lats of the campers today. This week was certainly our most challenging by far, but I think it was well worth it.
We had two long-time SSP churches come this week, along with a Presbyterian church whose original mission trip plan got canceled. They were going to to to Tijuana, but they decided about a month ago not to go due to the uprising in crime and drug wars. This is where the issue lay: they were expecting something completely different.
In Mexico (a phrase we often heard from both campers and counselors alike), they built an entire house from roof to foundation in one week. When the came here and were plunked down in a different desert with only a can of paint and some brushes, these glorious expectations of home building were not met. It was a funny group, they marked on their evaluations that the night-time programs were too forced, but they were not spiritual enough. We talked about scripture both in a larger group setting and smaller, sang from the songbook (which is a little outdated and could use some revision) but they were dissatisfied. We had constant battles with them trying to explain that there are more ways to worship God than just through throwing scripture at them and singing contemporary worship. To add onto this, their youth leader and his wife were moving to Tacoma and decided that this was their last shebang. The new youth leader was stressed on multiple levels; trying to connect with his students, trying to adapt to the SSP antics, and struggling with what we as a staff saw as a too idealistic view of ministry. Because of all these things, we felt constant criticisms from both the leaders and the campers. This made it to be one of the hardest ministry things I've ever done.
The criticism and disrespect we saw from both the campers and the youth leaders of the group was too much for us all. We lost hours of sleep trying to figure out how to adapt to fit their needs, trying to accommodate them as much as we could without forgetting the other two churches. Most nights we were lucky to get into bed before 12.30, and twice it was past 1. That is especially rough when you have to get up at 5.30 and have time only for a one hour nap.
So after many highly emotionally discussions, tears, and sinful grudges being held against almost any and all who attended this particular church, we had had enough. Phil was our advocate, and pulled the three youth leaders aside before breakfast and talked to them. Things ended up going really well, they in no way meant to disrespect us, it was just the way that they dealt with things at their church. If there was a problem in their youth group, they quit what they were doing and talked about it. Since the SSP staff did not do this, many of the campers felt that they were unheard when they told us that they wanted more scripture study. But we had to take it with a grain of salt, trying to help them understand that there were two other churches there already who were doing great, and to make any major changes in the program would be very disruptive to them. Both sides apologized for the mistrust and unloving manners in which we had treated each other.
The campers were still hard on us. A few of them were starting to understand where we were coming from and giving us a little grace, but for the most part they just complained about anything they could. SSP had an outbreak of the norro virus a few years back (its the one that cruise ships get where it spreads like wildfire and everyone gets barfy and diarrhea), and because of this we have a very strict sanitary policy when serving food. Nobody but staff is allowed to touch serving utensils, katsup bottles, salad dressing, etc., and before meals they must all wash their hands and then squirt them with hand sanitizer. On so many of the evaluations we had today, they complained that they are fully capable of pouring their own dressings, etc. Tehy must have forgotten the reason behind these good intentions, we had told them on the first day why we are suck sticklers about it.
Even though this week was tough and I cried a lot, it was completely worth it. As much as they tried not to, we are convinced that they all had a good time. The other two churches had a great time. And to top it all off, four people from different churches either rededicated their lives to Jesus or gave it to Him for the first time. Praise the Lord!
So we have two more days in the desert of McDermitt, NV, then off to debrief in Sacramento. Hope to see you all soon!

The Following Things May Be Hazardous to Your Health

2008-07-12T22:05:00.001-07:00

These are the top seven most dangerous things we came across this week:

The Refrigerator
Yes, the fridge. Here's the story: It was Monday afternoon; Kelley, Phil and I were prepping for our stir fry dinner. I was in the back room of the kitchen that is our pantry, dish washing place, and has a fridge and a freezer. Our fridge is a bit old-school, one of the ones with the cooling elements exposed on the inside top of the fridge compartment. I had just washed off some dishes and my hands were wet as I reached into the fridge. I was stretching past a pile of leftover grilled cheese sandwiches and got stuck to the cooling element! Yes, my left index, middle, and ring fingers all were stuck to the inside of the fridge. All I could think of (past the mounds of pain I was experiencing) was the scene from A Christmas Story when the kid was sticking his tongue to the frozen telephone pole...I yelled to Kelley and Phil, Phil thought I was joking so he didn't do anything. Kelley came in, took a look, grabbed the spray bottle with bleach water in it, and sprayed me free! My index finger is almost completely free of any burn, but my middle and ring fingers look like I grilled them. I'll take a picture and post it later. I got a blood blister and anther normal blister and some nasty scabs/soon to be scars. The moral of the story is: look out for your cooling elements next time you reach into the fridge.

Small Town 4th of July Celebrations
In all of the McDermitt, NV, 4th of July weekend festivities, there is a rodeo on Saturday followed by a round of carnival games for the kiddies and later by a dance/block party for the adults. We walked the fifth of a mile to the Say When Casino to get dinner and were stopped by some of the locals who were sitting on the outside deck of the bar in town. They promptly informed us that it didn't really matter what age we were and that we were all welcome to join the jello shot competition when it came time. We are pretty sure that all but one or two of the people out there were quite snookered, as they made some inappropriate comments towards us ladies. We politely excuse ourselves to dinner, and enjoy a meal. We decide to walk back to our school afterwards, hang out for an hour, then go to the dance. Cowboys, country music, broken bottles, and booze. They had it all! The same drunk local kept hitting on us, and unfortunately he had been one of the ones at the bar earlier. He was asking all the girls in the group for their "dance cards," especially "the one with the glasses." Unfortunately, I am the only one who wears the glasses. Quickly I sat down on the curb with Mallory and mumbled some lame excuse. After about the twelfth time getting rejected, he finally left me alone. Moral of the story: Stay with friends and come up with a lame excuse when drunk men hit on you.

The Water in McDermitt, NV
Oh, the water. We got a notice from the school secretary Wednesday night at 7.30 that the water in the McDermitt watershed had been tested and found with traces of ecoli bacteria. SAY WHAT?!? It was a "suggested boil order," saying that all water that was to be used for cooking, drinking, and washing dishes needed to be boiled for a minute before use. What a stress! We took all the camper's cups and shoved them in our dish sanitizer as fast as we could without them seeing it. We told their leaders as soon as we got into the staff/counselor meeting at nine, plan in hand. We told them everything we knew, but refrained telling the campers that it was specifically ecoli. We had a somewhat melodramatic and hypochondriac group this week, so we felt that just telling them that it was a bacteria would be enough information. Their counselors were sent home with notices to inform the parents exactly what it was, what we did, etc., so I guess they will find out sooner or later! This is what we did: our tribal contact had given us the key to the senior center on the reservation, and they are for one reason or another in a different watershed than we are. We took one of the trucks and filled it with all our water jugs to be filled up there. We were boiling water for people to brush their teeth with, as well as running all the dishes a second time through our sanitizer. Kelley and I were going to go to Winnemucca the next day on our grocery run, so they gave us $100 to buy bottled water. 25 flats of water later, we still haven't found out any updates on the water situation other than the fact they sent in a second sample and results will be in by Monday. So far nobody has gotten sick, but we still have four days left in the gestation period. Moral of the story: Don't drink the water...but do because we don't want you to get heat stroke.

Second Helpings at Meals
This week the campers were ferocious when it comes to eating seconds. We run it so that every camper and counselor has to go through the line. Then the staff team (that is me and my new friends) gets to grab their plates of food, and two stay behind to serve seconds. As the staff who aren't serving again walk to the tables, we all yell "SECONDS!" at the top of our voices. Every day this week we had people (including adult counselors) who would run to get to the food! Once I had to get out of the way of someone who was booking it back to the table. At our water day, we had people hanging in a pack, ready to rush/fight their way to get to the small amount of leftover potato salad and burgers. We were slightly frightened and asked them to stand a little further away. Yes, they ran when we yelled. Moral of the story: Maybe Kelley and I should stop making such good food. Then nobody will want first servings, much less seconds.

Leeches
At water day we encountered a few leeches in our swimming hole. The girls screamed, the boys just laughed and slapped them off. It wasn't all that many, only four, but still dramatic enough for some people to not get back in. When we got back to camp, we checked Wikipedia to see what exactly happens when you are bitten by a leech, only to find that it is basically harmless. They just suck enough blood (a teaspoon at most) to satisfy them, then fall off. The only thing you should not do when coming in contact with a leech is to try to "burn" it off. When a leech comes into contact with abnormal heat, it vomits the blood back into its victim along with some other nasty stuff and can create a mean infection. Moral of the story: Just let the leech do it's thing. All will be fine.

Sleep Deprivation
This is quite a normal occurrence at SSP, especially for the chefs. A bedtime for staff any earlier than eleven thirty is a luck thing indeed. Three times a week we get to wake up at 5.30 to start cooking breakfast. The other days we get to sleep in until 6.45, but we still need naps. Sometimes even a two hour nap barely holds me over until the sun slips down behind the horizon. Yesterday we had pancakes, overslept half an hour (woke up at 6 on accident), didn't get done with breakfast and dishes until nine. Then Phil and I made roughly 90 enchiladas for dinner and finished around 12. Ate lunch, then went to each of the camper's work sites and handed out the traditional Friday Otter Pops. Got back around 3, cleaned up the mess we made trying to roll the enchiladas. 3.45 rolls around, and I asked Mallory if I could sleep until 4.15, fifteen minutes into free time when we were to be hanging out with campers. She said it would be fine. I laid down, and napped...until 5.30 when Kelley woke me up because dinner was supposed to be on the table in 15 minutes. Thankfully she got the memo that the enchiladas were just sitting in the ovens and were ready to be cooked-they still turned out great. Moral of the story: sleep whenever you can and for as long as you can. It will soon be a commodity.

Three Times the Normal Amount of Asthma Medication*
*Don't worry Mom, this wasn't me. It was one of our hypochondriac campers.
We had one of the biggest hypochondriacs this week. She had a whole host of things that were wrong. She had Type 1 Diabetes, high blood pressure, and moderate asthma. On top of these things, she came from a very loving-deprived home, and desperately sought attention for any reason possible. Dale, her youth leader, told the staff that she pretends to be sick for attention, and she herself told one of our supply coordinators, Jennifer, that she loves being in the center of attention. Overreacting + attention deprived = bad combination. Either way, she was having a small bought of asthma and took her medication. When it did not work immediately, she decided to take another dose of her inhaler. When this one did not work, she took another. Three times her daily amount needed in less than an hour and a half. Her blood pressure and heart rate both skyrocketed and she had a small panic attack. We called the EMTs, but they were an hour away in Winnemucca. So Dale decided that it would be best to meet them halfway, transfer her into the ambulance, and have her other leader Ashley follow in the car. Ashely told us later that the ambulance driver told her to keep up. "Keeping up" meant 95 MPH! Well, she made it to the ambulance, to the hospital, calmed her down, got her heart rate and blood pressure down, and sent her on her merry way. Moral of the story: Don't overdose on your medication.

Tomorrow we are welcoming our last week of campers for the summer! Hopefully this group won't have a need for our friendly neighborhood EMTs like the last two.

Theme Days, Invisible Co-Chefs, and Miracle Food

2008-07-04T15:17:00.001-07:00

So our first week is almost officially over. Its both a good and a sad thing. We all are definitely ready for a break and lots of time to catch up on lost sleep, but these campers have been so good we just don't want them to leave!

So what is with the title? Let me tell you! We've decided that in order to spice things up, we will have "theme days." We are still throwing around a few ideas for some of them, so if you have suggestions, feel free to comment! We have Musical Mondays, where campers have to get into their work (site specific) groups and report on what happened during the day-in the form of a musical. This is performed after dinner during our night time program. Tuesdays we haven't quite figured out yet. Wednesdays are "Would You Rather" days, where you ask things like "Would you rather have the arms of an ape or have a unicorn horn sticking out of your forehead?" Thursdays are knock-knock jokes, and then Fridays are traditionally where staffers (and those campers who know or remember) wear a yellow shirt. But this summer our staff has come up with not-joke Fridays. This is somewhat sarcastic but can be quite funny. So someone can say to me, "Tamsen, I though dinner was lame tonight...NOT!" Don't be disappointed, it is much better live than when it is read.

Something else that we have discovered is that many people don't realize that my co-chef Kelley exists! She has been forgotten or called Katie many times this week, both in smaller groups and in the larger group as a whole! So we were joking around that I actually steal all the glory and put her to work doing the dishes in the back room. Then we decided that for the next group of campers who come in, she will wear a shirt that says, "I'm Kelley, NOT Katie." We may or may not actually make her one, but it would be quite funny.

Miracle food, you ask? Some say it is. One afternoon while prepping dinner in the kitchen, one of the campers Eric came in to talk to Kelley and I. We were in there with our site director Mallory, and he poked his head inside to see if we both were there. He said, "The food has been so good this week. Its so healthy that it cured my acne!" Too bad the kid had perfect skin to start off with! His counselor told us yesterday that he also told her that it has had another pro: its made his bowel movements more regular. I guess that isn't necessarily something that we planned on, but if it keeps the customer satisfied, I think we are doing our job.

Here are some more pictures to enjoy!

This is an inside view of our kitchen: Katie on the left (she's our musician for the week), and Kelley on the right.

Some of our campers and staff on water day!

Scenery around the creek we swam in.

Shelley and Tracy-the leaders from Reno. Tracy is a real life-cowboy, boots, accent, ranch, and all!

So we did have a pop-up tent at water day-but it blew off the cliff and into the water! It didn't hurt anyone, but was very close to hitting Amy, Kelley and myself off the 20 foot ledge into the water! It flew right over our heads.

A picture from our after dinner hike. It was beautiful!

Elvis Has Entered the Building!

2008-06-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe Elvis hasn't re-joined us from the aliens yet. But the campers came last night and we didn't run away!
This week is our smallest so far, there are only 41 campers and counselors. Things have been going pretty smoothly so far. We have five vegetarians, one severe dairy allergy, and one vegan. We have been getting somewhat creative with their food, trying different egg substitutes and soy instead of real or powdered milk. They are out on chocolate chip cookies too, so we made the dough without the chips and added a hunk of peanut butter. Hopefully they aren't allergic to those too!
The campers have enjoyed our meals (which is always a blessing), but I think they might be dreading peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by the time they leave. It is the only option for lunch. Last night we had grilled cheese with tomato and chicken noodle soups, salad, bananas, and the SSP classic, Love! We have a team from LA and they asked me what was for dinner before we had started cooking. I told them that it was going to be "hecka good," and all four of them gasped and took a step back in fear. NO JOKE! They later told me that they were talking in the car ride up about all the NorCal stereotypes they were about to encounter. Glad I could be the first one to fulfill them!

McNowhere, Nevada

2008-06-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

My father fondly re-named McDermitt, Nevada, to McNowhere, Nevada. This is where I'm spending the next month of my life with Sierra Service Project. It is a Methodist based non-profit that sets up service projects for youth to do home repair on mainly Indian reservations, but is currently branching out to Mexico and Honduras.

So here I am as a chef with 7 other people on staff. We have two chefs, myself and Kelley. Then there is our construction team of Martin (our only permanent boy for the summer), Jennifer, and Lisa. Amy is our spiritual life coordinator and in charge of doing the Jesus part of the camp. And of course, there is our fearless leader Mallory who keeps us sane.

We also are going to have a girl coming in next week to shadow all the jobs and lead worship for us. She leaves on Saturday morning, and we are getting our friend Phil Saturday afternoon to come play guitar for us for the next two weeks. He'll probably be our free-floating do-it-all guy too, since he won't want to sit around and do nothing. We are staying in a town with a population of roughly 350 people, two casinos, a gas station, a market, and a motel. And a small library. We are hanging out at the K-12 school, Home of the Bulldogs.

So as a chef, it is our job to make menus for the week, have a snack a day, and feed the kids fresh and healthy (and of course delicious) food. All 50 of them. Our last week we will be feeding over 70 campers. YIKES! I will be ready for almost any size dinner party whenever I get back.

Kelley and I made the perilous trip to Winnemucca (the closest city of any size) an hour away to buy groceries. Six hours and $1,700 later, we finally were on the road again, armed with enough food to stock a convenience store. We certainly got a number of looks when we pulled up to the cash register with 50 loaves of bread and 11 carts full of food! It took an hour to check out, and about half an hour to get all of it out of the store and into our cargo van. We were all quite impressed.

So far things haven't been too busy other than that, we are just setting up until Sunday afternoon when the first wave of campers come in to play. Today Kelley and I will be making enough granola for the rest of this week and hopefully the next, as well as cutting about half of our lettuce up to have ready-made salads on hand.

Here are some pictures for your fun and enjoyment!

Lisa, myself, and James on the way to Wendy's during training (James is in AZ for the summer).

This is our stack of First Aid Kits before they got loaded into all the vans.

This is the playground of our school with the awesome view of the mountains.

=Standing on the corner in McDermitt. This is the main drag. Quite exciting.

That's right, we walked to the Oregon border. Too bad its only 400 yards north! From left: Jennifer, Amy, Kelley, Martin, Mallory, and me. Lisa is taking the picture.

A large boulder of no importance that I thought my family would enjoy. Truckee, anyone?

We get to see sunsets like this every night. Beautiful!

We found a forklift outside the market with keys in it. So Kelley thought she would try it out!

We also walked to the Nevada sign. We think the border is somewhere between the two, but its about 100 feet of no-man's-land. We decided that we would claim it for our own and succeed from the Union sometime in the near (or distant) future.

The McDermitt Bread Basket. Lots and lots of bread.

Kelley hiding behind all of our baskets. I think we scared a few people with the amount of food we were buying.

The end product! Those kids better be hungry.

Some Good Advice

2008-06-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

Twice within the past month I've been given the best advice I'll probably ever receive. It is in no way complex or fancy, quite simple and profound at the same time. Even though it isn't hard to conceptualize it doesn't mean that it is easy in practice. It actually is something I will be trying to do my entire life, struggling the entire time.
Both Phil and James said it in the same exact way, heartfelt and kind. It was in reference to campers I will be working with all summer, but what would happen if I applied it to my everyday life? "Let them know that they are loved by God." Isn't this supposed to be what I do every day?
Once I told my roommate freshmen year that the best gift that anyone can give is the love for the other. I'd now like to revise this statement. Certainly love from person to person can be beautiful, but it is nothing without the love of God. The best gift anyone can give to another is the love of the Father.
How do you put into words the all expansive, all forgiving, redemptive love of God? Even my own mind cannot fully comprehend why he loves me so; all I know is that I am whole because of it. If I knew not the Father, I know not the gift. Love without the knowledge of the Holy is worthless indeed. For what else can bring sight to the blind and healing to the brokenhearted? What else can show me my true self and love me in spite of it?
This is the LORD: slow to anger, rich in love, good to all. It is this love that we are to generously pour upon the world. This is what the world so desperately needs.

My Top 5

2008-05-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

Things Under $5 I Couldn't Live Without

Q-Tips
Funky cheap earrings
Sunscreen
Bobby Pins
Soap

Favorite Movies

Sense and Sensability
Singing in the Rain
Roman Holiday
Enchanted
Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Songs to Put on Repeat

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson
Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson
Break Bread by Josh Garrels
God of Wrath by The David Crowder Band

Influential People

Michelle Silvashy
My sister Kate
My Roommates (it's the five for one deal)
Marty Kucharek
The Prays

Things Always in My Purse (or Backpack/Bag)
(I don't normally carry a purse unless I'm going on campus, then its a vivid green belum from PNG)

Whatever book I'm reading at the moment
Sunglasses case with glasses
Wallet/Keys/Phone
Papers I need to grade
Homework I've procrastinated on doing

Moments that Changed My Life Forever

My Jesus Moment!
When I decided to go to SSU
When I finally got accepted to SSU
My baptism
When I said "yes" to live with my roommates

Obsessions I Currently Have

Cleaning my ears
Keeping the coffee table clean
Ignoring the mess on my desk
Hand washing dishes
Wearing my hair very large

Organizations I'm Glad Exist

Blood:Water Missions
International Justice Mission (IJM)
InterVarsity
Students International
Costco

Favorite Accessories

Crazy earrings
My Crocs or any other shoe
Aviators
A watch
My ferociously green belum

Favorite Books

Duh, the Bible written by God
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie
The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan

Modern Inventions

Bicycles
The Internet
The washing machine
Window Fans
Cameras

Classes

California Ethnic Literature with Bob Coleman
Geology of Natural Disasters with Karner
Survey of Late British Literature with Thaine Stearns
Ancient Art History with Susan McKillop
Environmental Studies with Erv Peterson

Foods I Never Tire Of

Barbecue Chicken Pizza (made by Ashley, of course)
Ice Cream of almost any flavor
Lemon Chicken
Beans and Rice
Bagels

Countries I Want to Visit

Germany
Luxembourg
Antarctica
Chile
Russia

Places I Think Would Be Fun to Live For One Year (or more)

Denver
New York
A small mountain town in the Sierra Nevadas
Lake Tahoe and surrounding areas
Costa Rica

I Ain't No Holla-Back Girl

2008-05-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, you did read that title correctly. I've decided that I don't like being hollered at.
For the past semester I've been hanging out on campus at Charlie Brown Cafe all morning/early afternoon on Fridays. I wake up, bring by backpack full of books and homework and enjoy a (sometimes) quiet time in the cafe. I have my small group discipleship group there, then a prayer meeting, then I hand out until my roommate Ashley gets off at 1.30. We then proceed to stroll back home.
The walk back home is normally, well, pretty normal. Talk about how work was (even though I am there almost her whole shift making faces at her and asking for discounted drinks), how discipleship was, etc. But for the past two weeks we have been hollered at by guys in cars! Now if I were talking to my dad, he would just tell me, "Tamsen, they are just guys having fun bird-doggin' some girls." My mother would say, "You should tell them to take a picture. It lasts longer!" Both of these responses force me to roll my eyes as the little feminist inside rears her ugly head.
I'm not big on feminism. The only feminist writing that I've read and actually liked was Mary Wollstonecraft's A Vindication of the Rights of Women. Certainly not very radical compared to what we have today, but back when she wrote it, it was hugely taboo. For those of you who haven't read it, its basically an educated woman saying that women 1) have souls; 2) have brains and emotions; and 3) should be allowed to do things other than knit and cook and have babies. Sounds good to me. I admit I sometimes like gender roles. I like it when guys are gentlemen who treat me and other women well. But whenever I get hollered, most of the time I just get disgusted. And half the time when I'm hit on, I don't really understand what is going on. I just get creeped out by the guys who are doing it.
I had a conversation with a male friend last week (who will remain nameless) about commenting on the opposite sex's appearance. I think he was playing devil's advocate but couldn't really tell. He was saying that he think that when a person looks on another person of the opposite gender and comments on how attractive they are, they could be committing adultery. He uses Jesus's words from Matthew 5:27-31 when He says, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. " I'm not sure if commenting on someone's attractiveness is considered adultery. I think it would depend on the heart motives behind the comment. But then again, I guess the same could be said for the holler-ers.

The Tambourine Man

2008-04-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

(No Matt, this post is not about the Bob Dylan song.)

It is about, however, the man who came to church with a tambourine.
Yes, you read that correctly, the man who brought his own tambourine to church.
Picture this: Wednesday night service at Calvary Chapel Sebastopol. It is the mid-week service, so the crowd is smaller and more intimate. I am sitting at my normal spot, the second row from the front on the left. We are all welcomed in and asked to stand up to read one of the psalms, the traditional "call to worship" that we do. We read it together, then are ushered into the music time.
Lo and behold, a man who is sitting across the isle whips a tambourine out of his bag! Say what?!? I didn't realize that my jaw had dropped until after I had started to smile. He gave it a few shakes gingerly, as if not knowing if he would get in trouble.
Seconds later, our associate pastor swoops in. He gently puts his hand on the mans shoulder and whispers something to him. The tambourine man nods his head and places his instrument down on the ground.
As I sit and think about this, it makes me wonder what music in church would be like if we all brought our instruments of choice and played them. Trumpets galore, guitars, perhaps the occasional bassoon or nose flute. We certainly would not have the London Symphony on our hands, but would it be any less pleasing to God? The Psamls say to clap our hands and shout to the Lord with cries of joy (Ps 47.1), but we don't necessarily do that in worship either.
I dont' know what I would have done. I personally kind of wanted the tambourine man to do his thing. I think it might have been a way for him to engage in musical worship. Perhaps it would be more welcome in a church that was clappy. Churches are generally divided into two categories: Those who like Niel Diamond, and those who don't (for those of you who didn't get it, its a "What About Bob?" quote). Actually, I've heard that they can be classified as "clappers" or "non-clappers." But in reality, does it really matter? Does clapping and shouting and singing and tambourining (or the lack thereof) enhance the joy that it brings to the LORD?
I donno. Its just something to think about.

Perspectives

2008-04-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

My story is not a new one.
But I'm convinced that life is rarely as boring as I pretend it to be, especially my life.
I was having a conversation with my friend Phil a couple of months ago. He kept on asking me what was new. I ran out of things to say after one or two answers, but he kept persisting! The next time he asked me this, I told him that I had nothing else new in my life. And he said to me, "Tamsen, you are a child of God. I doubt that your life is boring."
So maybe I'm not boring after all. Maybe my life is exciting. I am a child of the Most High God. He did save me from my sins. He has redeemed me. I live each day in the knowledge of his Holiness and Love. Isn't that in itself exciting? His mercies are new every morning. That is what is new, but at the same time its not. Its new because I start off each day with a clean slate, but I also start off each day with the same age-old promise of unfailing love and redemption.
The Lord does new and good things to us each day. Like today seemed pretty average. I woke up, got ready, and went out to Charlie Brown Cafe on campus to do some reading and homework. There I ran into one of my favorite professors and he said hello. As I stopped at the counter to say hello to one of my roommates, she told me that one of our friends/her co-worker had just recently given her life to the Lord. Hallelujah! Is that boring? Nope. Yet again the Spirit is moving hearts and calling them to the Lord.
I was grading papers for the English 101 class I am a TA for, and my friend James sits down next to me. Fabulous! He's one of my favorite people because he's quite chipper and always brings a smile to my face. He plays the cello quite well. We both applied to a summer job through and organization called Sierra Service Project. We were discussing when our second interviews were (both on April 18th) and getting slightly giddy at the idea of working together for the summer and laughing at the possibility of us hating each other at the end of it all.
Then at 11.00 I had my third official discipleship meeting. I get to disciple two freshman girls for the rest of the year, and hopefully the rest of my time at Sonoma. We currently are going through Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, and had a great discussion that could have lasted another good hour if it were not for prior engagements.
I came home to eat some lunch, spent time with two of my other roommates. Then rode my bike to work (don't worry, its only a mile and a half away) only to ride it back 15 minutes later. The young man whom I tutor did not have any homework to do! The syllabus is incorrect for the rest of the semester because the professor changes her mind more often than not. I think she is the SRJC version of Velma (if you have any idea who Velma is, you know what I mean). I realized that I really like riding my bike. Good exercise and a good opportunity to be outside. I especially like it when the wind is pushing against you and making your legs work harder to move forward.
When I came home, I was greeted by a small black chihuahua named Cloe. We are watching her for our campus minsters for a couple of days. They have a wedding in Lodi to attend, so we get to be "aunties" for the weekend. Its nice to have a dog, even if it is small enough to step on.
So back to what I was talking about: I'm convinced that my life is not boring. I just have to look past what seems normal and mundane and find joy in being in the right hand of God. Now that is exciting.

Prayers, Promises, and Hopes

2008-03-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

So I know that its over two months past Christmas, but I just cannot get over the power of this song! My favorite version is by Bethany Dillon. It is slow and mournful. I played it for two musician friends of mine, Dave and James. Dave plays the classical guitar, James the cello. James hated it. He said it was too sad. But Dave said that it was how the song was supposed to be-it is a cry from God's Chosen People.

Here it is:

O Come, O Come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appears

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, O come, great Lord of might
Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s height
In ancient times once gave the law
In cloud and majesty and awe

O come, desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease
And be Thyself our King of Peace

Oh He shall come, O He shall come
Shall come to thee, O Israel
Has come to thee, O Israel

Just like Dave said, the song is a plea! The title comes from Isaiah 7:14: “Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.” Immanuel itself means "God be with us" in the original Hebrew. The Hebrews are asking the LORD to be with them, to come and rescue them. They will be lonely exiles wherever they go "Until the Son of God appears." They were strangers in the land of Egypt, and will remain as such until they receive the Promised Land.
Rejoice Israel! There is the everlasting promise of the Messiah. He has come! The LORD has given the Law to Moses on Mount Sinai, appearing in a cloud that awed all who saw it. The people are pleading God to bind mankind's heart and together with its broken self, to bring about the everlasting Peace that only He can bring.
The LORD has come. And the LORD will come. It is a prayer. It is a promise. It is a hope.

Boxes

2008-02-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

So I'm an ISFJ. Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. I'm a Protector Guardian. I go about my task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this my efforts are supposedly not sometimes fully appreciated. According to keirsey.com, my ideal job is as follows:
"With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected."
Well, I don't want to be a librarian. Or a middle-manager. Or a police officer, or a doctor. I've decided that I don't really like these types of classifications.
One of my favorite artists, Fabian Perez doesn't like to categorize his worke because it "limits the artist as well as the work." This is how I feel having personality tests or types put on me. It is limiting.

So then I think of God. What personality type would He be? What was Jesus? Was He the Protector Guardian, or was he something else? I sometimes treat God like one of my friends. I put Him in a nice little box and try not to let Him out. And then when He "acts out" or does something that I'm not expecting, it throws me off.
But why do I put the LORD in a box anyway? He is the one who created boxes, He created me. If He truly is the Creator of the Universe and everything within it, why would I want to put Him in a stupid little box? It's limiting. And dumb.

Let Jesus out of the box to play.

I Serve an Artistic God

2008-02-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

My great-grandmother would be ashamed of me.
Grandma Bessy was as old as Methuslea-or so I though at the age of four. Wrinkely, grey-haired, and tall, she was a whopping 90 some-odd years old, not to mention a great cook. Anything and everything would be fried in bacon grease or lard. Once a month my family would drive the one hour to Orville, California, to see her and her husband.
Grandma Bessy was a Baptist of the strictest kind: no drinking, no dancing, no singin' too loud. She was horrified when she found out that Nyquil was 70 proof.
So why would she be ashamed of me? Well, dear reader, I'll tell you.
I danced in church. Yep. In church.
Calvary Chapel Petaluma has this thing called First Fridays. It is a nightime worship night on the frist Friday of every month. Pretty sweet if I do say so myself. So I was there, getting my song on, and I found myself moving. Its not a full-out wild jungle dance, more like a slight hopping and swaying to the music. I've found that its hard for me not to move whenever I hear music. Especially when I'm singing with all my heart.
I've decided there is nothing wrong about dancing. There is no Old Testament law that I am aware of that makes it wrong. King David danced when the Ark of the Covenant was brought to Jerusalem (2 Samuel 6). Pslam 150 says, "Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp! Praise him with timbrel and dance; praise him with strings and pipe!" I've decided that God is artistic.
So if I can dance and show my love for the LORD, why would it be different if I were to write a song about Him or to paint something that brought me to a closer relationship with Him? Is not our God a God of creativity? Did He not create the world and all that is in it? He made the sun to shine during the day and the moon at night, complete with beautiful sunrises and sunsets each time. If I paint a sunset with the LORD in mind, is that not worship?
My youth pastor Matt once said something that made me laugh. Only now do I understand what he was trying to say. He said, "Eat your Cherrioes with God in mind" (it was later modified to brushing your teeth with God in mind). Either way, if we are to laugh or to enjoy a good steak with the LORD in our minds and in our hearts, we still can worship the LORD. Is not even writing a form of worship? Speaking to others about God? Caring for the widows and the orphans? There is more than one way to skin a cat. There also is more than one way to worship a creative God.

Unsorted WHAT?

2008-02-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I know that you desperately look at my blog every day for some sort of insight, but this is all I've got for you today. Check out this blog. Maybe it will help. Or at least get a couple of laughs.

Love,
Tamsen

Musical Monday! Featured this Week: T-Pain Low

2008-02-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting in my room the other day and one of my roommate's music was playing. To my horror, I found myself singing the lyrics to T-Pain's new hit Low. Here are the lyrics. I will translate after each line as needed.

T-Pain Low

H h h h h let
me to talk to ya
let me to talk to ya
mh h h h h let
me to talk to ya

come on
shortie had them apple bottom jeans (jeans)
*apple bottom jeans as defined on urbandictionary.com: Fashionable denim for women with voluptuous, curvaceous posteriors.*
boots with the fur (with the fur)
the whole club was lookin at her
she hit the floor (she hit the floor)
*Dance like wild*
next thing you know
shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low
*dropping low to the ground, bumping and grinding*

them baggy sweat pants
and the reboks with the straps (with the straps)
she turn around and gave that big booty a smack(heyyy)
*Oh yes, these really are the words*
she hit the floor (she hit the floor)
next thing you know
shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low (come on)

So right after these words emitted from my mouth, I was shocked at what I had just particpated in. I am a young woman who professes to follow the teachings of Jesus. Pretty sure that He would not want me to be listening to lyrics like that, much less singing them.
Even just to think about what they are saying-A man is in a club, sees a little hottie with a nice butt, and watches her voyeristically. Walks up to her in his gangster outfit (sweat pants and the Reboks with the straps), and spanks the girl. Way to objectify women.
So I'm not much of a feminist, the extent of my femininst philosophy agrees with Mary Woolstencraft and her Rights and Vindications of Women. To sum it up, she basically says that women were simply brainless breeders who were taught to think only of who they were to marry and what to wear the next day. On special occasions they would think about tea. This was the 18th Century, after all.
So what have today's women been reduced to? Yet again, they are mindless. But instead of being something pretty to look at, they are now something to play with. I am not a toy! I am more than a set of hips. I have a mind, feelings, and emotions. I prefer to be treated accordingly.
Sorry for getting all preacher on ya'll, but I feel that this is something that I have slipped into. Jesus said to be in the world but not of it. By listening to this song and singing along to the words, I have participated in it. The world and I were one. I have subjected myself to what the world thinks of me, forgetting what my Creator thinks.
So I encourage you, Dear Reader, to take into consideration what I have said. Go forth and clean out your music files. The next one I promise not to preach. :D

A Shakespearean Observation

2008-01-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

I think the boy sitting two seats down from me in my Shakespeare class has been ostracised. He is one of our resident theatre kids. There are five of them in this class, they all sit in the back corner and laugh at all the nerdy theatre jokes they make. All up until Wednesday.
On Wednesday, the pale, boyish looking young man sat two seats down from me at the end of the row, the furthest distance away from the others. He had arrived early today, and as the others walked into class, there were no exchanged greetings, eye contact was avoided by both parties. He sits, keeping his eyes on the Othello manuscript. A girl sits next to him, he says hello. He returns to the text.

Handouts, Pizza, and Wiggly Hair

2008-01-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

Handouts, Pizza, and Wiggly Hair. This is what happened at the Pray Family Household Sunday night. It was the unofficial reunion for "Season 1 College Groupers" as Carly called it. There were a few exceptions to the rule, mainly myself and two other guys. Needless to say, I was rewarded the standing of "Season 1.5."
So Tamsen, What is up with that title? Well, Dear Reader, I will tell you. The Prays fed us pizza. Honestly, what else would you serve a bunch of college students for dinner? Little Ceasar's did the job and our bellies were filled. Desert was complete with a re-gifted tin of fancy popcorn from my father which he had recieved from one of his sixth grade students. Kate also contributed to this fun gathering by making cake mix cookes. They were a hit!

The Wiggly Hair is a combined effort from Jon, Carly, and Kate. Carly wants a perm, but not the one that everyone's 90 year old grandma has that is obioulsy fake. She wants a hybrid wave/curl thing to go on, and Kate produced the exact visual she needed. When asked what he thought of this visual, Jon said, "Carly, you mean like wiggly hair?" Yes, wiggly hair. Thus the phrase will stand in infamy for all of eternity. Thank you, Jon!

And I realize that I have yet to explain the Handouts section of the title. Just you wait! Here it is: Carly, in the later hours of the get together, was feeling a little burst of spring cleaning coming on early. So that is what she did. She ransacked her closet and decided to give away some clothes that she didn't wear any more! Of course we all want free things, so the girls and I grab what we can. Amanda comes away with the most, and proceeds to wear it-all at the same time. She had on about four shirts and two and a half sweaters before things got too warm for her liking. I came out of it with a "funky fresh" courdoroy blue jacket with chunky faux-fur lining from Old Navy, a pair of mom shoes, a somewhat bizzare vase that will find its way mystereously into my kitchen, and a pretty cool little candle that will suddenly appear in my living room.

As I sit and type about some of my favorite people, I think how blessed I am to have them in my life. Where else would I find such inspiration for great titles?

There they are: Jon, Cameron, Macy, and Carly.

The Tongue

2007-12-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

There are three things that I envision the tongue to be like:

a fruit tree,

a ship,

and a sword.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat of its fruit" (Proverbs 18:21). Those who love it will eat of its fruit. I sometimes forget how much weight I put into my words. With this tongue of mine, I give blessings and promises. And with it I spout lies and gossip. When I think about fruit, I think about my parent's backyard. My dad has planted on their little half acre over 30 fruit trees in close proximity (so they do not get tall enough so he needs a ladder to reach the top). One of the few trees that remains from the previous owners is a peach tree. The summer we moved into the house, it produced peaches the size of softballs by the hundreds. They were big, they were juicy, they were sweet. Such a pleasant offering. But this past summer, the opposite happened. The old gnarled tree got sick. We do not know how or when. We only found out when the peaches came. Slightly larger than the size of a golf ball, they too came by the hundreds. Somewhat disappointed by their small size, I took one off the branches in hopes that it would have enough flesh on it to satisfy. When I brought it into the kitchen to cut it open, I saw that it was riddled with brown spots. Upon opening it, my knife went straight through the pit, finding it rotten to the core.
Are my words like the peaches from the first summer? Do they satisfy and sustain? Or are my words like the sick peaches, ready to bring ill upon those who "eat of them?"
The tongue is like a ship. "...though they are so great and driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very strong rudder wherever the pilot directs" (James 3:4). Such a small part directs the whole of me. With this tongue of mine, I can direct to do good or to do evil, to build up or destroy.
The tongue is like a double edged sword. "There is one whose rash words are like the sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Proverbs 12:18). "Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts" (Proverbs 20:30). A sword thrust can only puncture, and punctures do no good to a person. A stroke of a sword is able to scoop out evil, keeping the healthy parts of the body.
Let your words be fruitful and satisfy those who hear. Let your words be a guide to yourself as well as those around you. Let your words be as a skilled swordsman, direct and cleansing. May the words of our mouths be acceptable in His sight.

Change and Movement

2007-11-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

Picture this: It was yesterday around 2:30 PM. I was sitting in my least favorite class of the semester. Women and Gender Studies. With a focus on The Individual, Sexuality, and the Family Unit. What it really translates to is a study of transgenderism, gays, women power, and an open mic for man haters.
One thing our professor had us do at the beginning of the semester was repeated yesterday. She had us write down our vision of the perfect community (or world) and what it needs. This time she added on two more questions at the end, what our motivation for fixing the needs of the world are, and also what keeps us from doing these things. Here is what I wrote.

My vision for the world: A world that recognizes the need for a Savior. That they need Jesus. The Love of the Father motivates me to act.
The needs of the world: Repentance and faith. The forgiveness of sins. The greatest source of suffereing is our own selfish, sinful natures.
My motivation for change: I know the Love of the LORD. I know it endures. I know that His words bring healing and conviction, forgiveness and grace. Knowing the LORD moves me to act.
What is stopping me: Sin. Fear of Man. Comfort. Selfishness. The feeling of being overwhelmed.

As I was thinking about what I wrote, I remembered that the same exact thing was written in the begining of the year. For what really is the point of change if it is not for the LORD? If we do things out of love for the Father, they will come out much better than if they are done out of selfish ambitions or altruism. The LORD is what changes and moves in the hearts of believers, and through believers God changes and moves the hearts of the lost.

Things I Enjoy-For Philip

2007-11-12T18:07:00.000-08:00

Saturdays
Ice Cream
Icees
Sewing
Fresh Laundry
Brushing my teeth
Flowers
Music
Singing
Photography
Reading

CS Lewis
The Bible
The Sunrise
The Beach
Lake Tahoe
Snow
My Family
Kate
Shannon
Baking
Being Neat
Serving
Children
Loving Others
Stationery
Laughter

Shoes
Sweaters
Funny Sounds
Traveling
People Watching
Having a Garden
Writing
Praying
Knowing God
Redemption
Warm Socks
Driving in Silence
Cooking

Bike Rides
Train Stations
Airports
Myth Busters
My Roommates
Deep Conversations
Seeing God in Others
Mail
Naps
Opposed Thumbs
Being Creative
Costa Rica

Thinking about moving to Denver
Teaching
English
Tea
Coffee
Cakes
Cafes
Helping People
Frebreeze
Frisbee
Hot Chocolate
Talking of God
Hiking
the Guitar

Dancing
Fixing Things
Being Outside
Being by Myself
Being with People
Dogs
Ice Water
Recycling
Nalgene Bottles
Smelly Soaps
Long Shadows
Bread
Boy Bands
Nutella
Tea Cups
Grits
Good Books
Rainy Days
Movie Marathons
Crisp Mornings
Clean Houses
Impressionism
Simple Practical Theology
Feeding People

Singing Songs Really Loud
Big Cities
Watching Jen Watch Football
Costco
Pea Coats
Old Songs

Ask Your Barista for Details

2007-11-04T22:14:00.000-08:00

As I am sitting in Starbucks with a pumpkin spice latte attempting to edit an essay, I look up from my computer and see the following words: “Today’s Song Is: Ask Your Barista for Details.”
This seems peculiar to me. If they have the “Today’s Song” sign, why would they not change it to actually read what the song of the day was? Why should I bother myself with asking someone if I have the possibility of having no interaction with humans and just looking on a board?
Sometimes I feel like this is the way I treat God. “Alright God, what will the blessing of the day be?” Well, Tam, you gotta ask him to find out. Not that God necessarily blesses us every day with some big, profound, life-changing thing, but could it be something as simple as the voice of a mockingbird, a good laugh with a friend, an opportunity to serve? Is it not even a blessing to breathe or to see a sunset? To feel the wind in your face and touch the leaves fallen to the ground?
I encourage you, Dear Reader, to seek God in the little things. Feel free to ask your barista for the details. Its quite helpful.

This is my favorite Barista.

What Do You Get When You Squeeze a Christian?

2007-10-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

I know I've only been alive for the past twenty years, but I believe that I've learned a few things in my day. I can fix a hole in a pair of jeans, as well as sew on any type of button that has fallen off. I've learned the difference between immigration and emigration, as well as learning how to write papers under high stress and within a short period of time. But one of the more important things I've learned has not been from a specific experience, a professor, or stress. It has been a long, long process, which I do not know if it has been completed yet. I've learned this simple yet profound truth: personal sin is not as personal as we believe it to be.

A man's struggle with pornography does not only affect him in the moment, but will also affect the way he views women. It has the possibility to even affect the way he views his wife, as well as create unreasonable expectations in their relationship. A wife who is continually lazy in her actions loses not only an opportunity to serve her family, but also misses out on being a blessing to them. Bitterness held inside does not only poison the one who holds it, but also disallows the other party to receive forgiveness and reconciliation.

In the book of Genesis, we are shown a prime example of "personal" sin. The account of Sodom and Gommorrah. The two larger cities were so evil as a whole that a holy and righteous God could not allow them to continue. Lot was the only man in the city to be found righteous, and he, along with two of his daughters, were spared.

What happens after this is key. The three of them run to a small town between the cities and the hills. They rest for a while, and continue their journey towards the caves. While in the caves, the daughters get their father intoxicated and sleep with him, in hopes of preserving the family line. Lot's sin of drunkenness as well as his daughter's sins in incest and sexual immorality added up to the birth of the Moabite and Ammonite nations. Why is this important? These two people groups were a thorn in Israel's side for generations.

Fast forwarding to modern-day and getting personal: my sharp tongue does not only reflect the inward state of my heart, but also hurts the person that my words were directed towards. This creates dissonance in the relationship, and will breed only insecurity and shallow conversations until reconciliation occurs. My pride in not admitting my sin only builds and builds until I have a breakdown and my world falls apart. All the while, the original sin continues to occur, and now I have the second of pride to deal with also.

Getting back to what I've learned: personal sin is never personal. It is like a chain that links one action to another. It is like a contagious cold that sneezes and infects everyone in the room. But thanks be to God, for His abounding Grace and Mercy. Lot's line of Moabites was redeemed through Ruth, who was the grandmother of King David. Jesus our Lord was from the line of David, and Savior of the world. I myself cannot claim anything so bold as that, but His grace still abounds with me. My tongue and pride are diminishing as God inside of me is increasing.

So what do you get when you squeeze a Christian? SIN! But then you get the sweetness of grace.

Kinko's Days

2007-09-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

They are called Kinko's days. The term was coined by Michelle Silvashy, one of the former InterVarsity staff workers at SSU.

What they are is this: a day in which you have one thing on your mind when you wake up, and one thing on your mind the entire day. It was Kinko's for Meche. She had to make copies. The day goes along and you proceed to do what needs to be done. At the end of the day, you lie in bed waiting for sleep to overcome you, and it hits like a ton of bricks: you realize that you have spent an entire day without reading your Bible, doing a devotional, or even praying. You realize that Kinko's was the only thing on your mind.

For me, it was my essay. An eight page essay analyzing the Gothic Hero. I woke up early, ate breakfast, and had great aspirations for the day. As time went on, I welcomed seemingly small interruptions from my outlining process. I talked with friends as they were on lunch break, I took a nap, I finished watching Season Two of The Office. As I slipped in between my covers around 1:30 AM, I realized that I had lived yet another "Kinko's day."

How do I do it? I find it so easy to go along with my day, have good conversation, serve my roommates, and yet spend an entire day without the slightest though of my Creator.

I know that God is here. I know that even in the midst of my forgetfulness and rebellion that He loves me as I am. He is my constant companion, whether or not I choose to acknowledge Him.

But as I thought upon my seemingly unfortunate situation, I rejoiced in the fact that the LORD still meets me as I am. Even though I wander day to day, He still holds the lamp unto my feet, He still is the light unto my path. I need not to worry with what is going on outside in the darkness; I need to keep my sights on Him.

So in a way, these sorts of days always are helpful to me. They keep me humble. They are a constant reminder of my wonderful Maker.

A Perfect Night for Shark Fishing

2007-09-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at my kitchen table with two of my roommates and a friend Victor. Vic got a call from our friend Luke. After the normal greeting, I heard Victor say, "Hey man, are you going now?"

"Are they going shark fishing?!?! Let me talk to that boy!" I grabbed the phone from Victor and asked the same question of Luke. The answer was yes. All I had to do was grab a sweater, put on some shoes, and walk over to their dorm. Victor and I went along with Luke and our friend Ambrose. We loaded up the car with fishing poles and bait, and headed out to Tiberon.

My thoughts were running wild with scenes one would see in a National Geographic documentary: water sloshing onto a dock, a large shark thrashing wildly to rid itself of its captors. Somehow I kept thinking that sharks would also emit some sort of screaming noise as they were being dragged from their watery home. But these fantastical visions were not the only thing I was thinking about. A couple of days earlier I had mentioned to my friend Jeff how I wanted to go shark fishing with Luke, and he discouraged the idea. He told me sternly, "Tam, that is illegal." I later asked my father, and he said as long as you did it off a dock it was fine. I never did check with anyone of authority or see the rules in writing, I simply trusted the word of my father.

On the way there, the four of us were recounting our fishing history. We found that Victor and I have never caught a fish before. We drove out to the bay, and followed the windy roads down to a beach I had never been to before. There were no lights around us, so we had to use our cell phones to see the road. I saw that I had a text message from Jeff. It read something like this: "Shark fishing is illegal without a fishing licence." What a killjoy! I pushed these words to the back of my mind and focused on bating the hooks.

The bay was beautiful, and the sky was even better. We saw a few shooting stars. Lights from across the water reflected brightly and made wonderful scenery. We could see the Richmond Bridge all lit up, as well as San Quenton. You just had to forget that it was a prison you were looking at.

Well, we sat there for an hour and a half. Nothing. Not one nibble. We had driven forty-five minutes, braved the cold wind, and touched nasty dead fish all for nothing. We were cold and it was about 12:10 AM. We decided to head back.

The boys dropped me off at my house and I walked inside. A few minutes later I noticed I had a missed call from Jeff. I figured that he had called only six minutes earlier, it would be okay to call him back. When he picked up, he asked how it went. I told him that nothing happened, and he said, "Good. I'm glad nothing happened."
To tell the honest truth, I was too. For most of the time, my conscience was going crazy. We were shark fishing, for sure. But I wasn't 100% sure that it was illegal without a licence, not to mention the fact that we did enter a state beach after the hours of operation. How were we going to explain that one? "Oh sorry Park Ranger, I didn't know that if the gate was locked I couldn't just walk around?"

In essence, Jeff told me what I needed to hear that night. I was not living above reproach and setting an example for my peers. I was making unwise decisions and putting my desire for adventure above my desire to do what was right.
all in all, what I had though to be a perfect night for shark fishing turned out to be very different. It was a perfect night to be reminded of how I am to live.

An Internal Dialouge on Prayer

2007-08-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've heard the phrases, "God sure does answer prayer," or "My prayer seems to be unanswered at the moment," or even "Prayer? I've already tried that. Doesn't seem to work." Truly, has there been a single day in all of history in which prayers have gone unheard or unanswered? The answer resounds in my ears: NO!
Just because we may not get our prayers answered in the way we desire them to doesn't mean that the LORD does not listen. If he does not grant us something we desire it does not mean that our prayers have fallen on dead ears. Nay, it is the simple fact that God has exercised his power to say "No."
The book of Proverbs says "The LORD is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous." Christ told his followers that "Whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." (Matthew 21:22) Whatever we ask for! Can you imagine? But wait, there is a catch. We must have faith to receive. We must truly believe that the LORD is able to give us what we ask of him.
Sometimes the LORD does not answer with a simple yes or no, rather he tests our trust of him by saying, "Wait on it." The Psalmist writes Psalm 130 with the words, "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits and in His word I hope; my would waits for the LORD more than the watchmen for the morning, more than the watchmen for the morning." Do I truly know what this type of anxious waiting is like? Have I ever experienced such a test of faith? Have I waited upon the LORD more than the watchmen waits for the morning? What patience that requires, what utter trust!
But truly, why would I have reason to not trust the LORD? He is my Creator, He knows all things, He sees past, present, and future. Do I even doubt that in all His Goodness He will not do what is best for me?
The LORD knows what is best for me, and better yet, he loves me. If he says no to a selfish prayer from an impure heart, I should be thankful that He knows me. If He tells me to trust in Him and wait, I will do so. And if He grants my request, I will sing his praises to the nations.

Men, Which Number Are You?

2007-07-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

So I found this and I just HAD to post it. Laugh yourself out of the chair please!

This is Kate and I (as you can clearly see through the Hello Kitty lunchboxes).

Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Being Broken

2007-07-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

Near the end of the semester I attended a campus event called Take Back the Night. It was a sexual assault awareness night, where anyone could go up and talk about what had happened to them. It was an open mic for sorrows.
Near the end, a young woman from the row in front of me stood up and walked to the front. As she turned around to face the crowd, you would see the animal-like rage that was in her heart. She was angry at the world, angry at herself, angry at the men who had mistreated her. She told us on three separate accounts in which she was abused and let herself be abused. After the last story, she cried aloud through her tears, "I'm so tired of being broken. I just want to be fixed!"
This event was the most depressing thing I've ever been to. Women would talk about their assault in front of 300 strangers, but they would not confide in a friend. They would swear by their counselors and psychologists, and all the while still proclaiming their brokenness. What they need is not psychotherapy or an "outlet" to pour their anger and hurt into, they need God.
Psalm 5:17 says, "The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." These women were broken. They were broken past the point of all healing unless it came from the Father. I think what saddened me the most is that many of them would reject this fact. Counselors and psychologists can only go so far. They cannot pierce the soul. The healing that they bring is only a temporary fix for an eternal problem.
This sends me to reflect on my own life and sinful nature. How often have I done the same, turning away from the God who loves me? How often do I feel with the author of the hymn as he cries, "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love!" How far I wander off the narrow and straight. It is only when we eat a large portion of the humble pic and admit that we were wrong that peace and growth can flow from the broken ground. It is only when we admit that Christ is Lord that true everlasting healing will come.

Conversing With A Homeless Man

2007-06-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

I was told that God is a claustrophobic. That is the reason He created the world.
I was sitting down at a place in San Francisco's Tenderloin district with some friends back in February. We were told to engage with the homeless and be ready to listen to their stories. An Italian man sat between my friend Matt and myself and proceeded to ask us (out of the blue) why Jesus was killed. Matt told the man it was so that His name could be glorified. Somehow that spurred on conversation about Creation. Jesus, as the man called himself, said that when God created the world it was because He was bored and lonely. So as He was sitting on His heavenly bathroom (one can only think of how one was there before the creation of the world), God thought the world into creation and so it became. He kept talking and talking, not letting us get a word in edgewise. He then proceeded to tell us that God does not care for any of us since there is a war going on. I now cannot even recall exactly what he was telling us, but it saddened me. Matt's face was devastated. We had before us a man who would not allow himself to be loved by the One who had created him. He finished preaching to us and walked away laughing. There was nothing left for us to do but watch silently, our mournful eyes following him as he entered back onto the streets that he called home.

On Having Surgery

2007-06-18T13:18:00.001-07:00

So exactly a week ago I had surgery on my feet. I had what is technically called a "Bi-Lateral Bunionectomy," but I call it "getting my feet sliced open and bone getting taken out." AKA slightly painful. So here are some pictures of the aftermath:

This is me resting with my feet up so that the swelling will go down.

Showing off my new kicks

Don't be alarmed, I really did use that walker for three whole days. And I also spent three whole days in my pajamas. It was wonderful!

So as I am spending the entire summer (Or at least until mid to late July) at home recuperating, I obviously have a lot of time to read and think a do pretty much whatever I want. I guess that this is the closest I'll ever get to retirement, at least before I actually have a career. Don't be fooled, it isn't as easy as it seems.

I've learned that its hard not having a routine. The first couple of days was good, because I hadn't gotten used to the pain medication that I was taking and itt would knock me out for two whole hours every time I took it. So I slept the normal 8 hours at night, plus another 4-6 hours during the day. That is what I imagined a dog's life to be like: Wake up, eat, go to the bathroom, play a little, go back to sleep. Repeat. Then when I switched to the lower dose, I spent my entire day reading. Wonderful! An English major's dream-wake up and read all day. So far I've finished Pride&Prejudice, Sense&Sensibility, and also the Great Divorce. Oh, and Where the Sidewalk Ends. All within a week. But even then it started to wear on me. I have to find something to do.

So I guess what I'm saying is this: its hard for me to rest for extended periods of time. I need to do something productive. Reading is productive, but even for me after 7 days of doing nothing else, it wears me out. You only have so many people that you can call, and only so many minutes on your cell phone plan. I need a new hobby. Or just a very large sewing project. Or maybe I should start to write a novel. But November actually is the National Novel Writing Month. Maybe I'll postpone it until then.

No matter what I do, I still will try to make the best of things and keep moving on. I have school to look forward to in August, and new feet too! I get to take the bandages off on Thursday while I'm at the doctor's office and actually see them. Perhaps things will be more interesting then...I'll have something new to look at!

Things I Need

2007-06-04T12:02:00.001-07:00

I need to actually live what I believe. Feed the poor. Clothe the naked. Cry with the brokenhearted. Fight for justice and what I know is right. Follow my convictions as the Spirit leads. I need to have a heart change. Learn to love people the way that God loves them, compassionately and in practical ways. Help them to survive this world and into the next.
I need to tithe as I should, frequently giving what has already been so generously given to me. Giving full control of my future and stop trying to make plans myself is necessary and needed.
I need to continually show people that wisdom comes from the LORD alone and that it is not mine. I need to continually give the glory and honor to whom it is due, not to myself. Often I think that I am wise and that I have a teachable heart, but it is only because the Father has created me to be this way. It is none of my doing, rather what His creation is playing out to be.
I need to learn all I can about Him in order to love Him more. Ask for insight, ask questions when understanding is lacking. Ask Him to teach me to love Him more, to follow all His ways. I need to learn His commandments and actually follow them. I need to live life as radical as that of Jesus.
I need to preach the Gospel, love the Lord, and love my neighbor.
I need to truly recognize God for who He is and believe and act upon what I profess to believe. Truly understand the sacrifices He made for me and gladly sacrifice what He desires of me. Giving Him my future, present, and past, my dreams, hopes, days and nights, giving Him my alabaster and oil, saving it for Him. Let no one rebuke me for my sacrifices, for my deeds will be recorded.
I need to respond to the crucifixion. I respond to it with thankfulness and gladness of heart. With sorrow and empathy. With confusion and understanding due to the limitations of a fallen spirit. The complexity of the Gospel can be summed up into one word: Love. I need to do this.
Lord let not the knowledge of they love be wasted on me!

Loving God

2007-05-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

I'm learning that I need to love God. I'm learning that loving God is all I really need to do. If I love God, then good things will stem from that. I am learning to love God. Loving God is what I need to do.

Ramblings of a College Student

2007-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

As I am sitting at my desk with finals looming dangerously close, I am not studying hard or pulling all-nighters to finish learning about Catherine Mansfield. I am rather fighting off the urge to gouge out my eyes so they will stop itching from allergies. In attempt to not do so, I turn to reflect on some of the things I've learned since moving to college:

Studying is best done late at night when all is quiet
Its actually a good idea to study
Its not a good idea to take up a dare to eat nothing but cereal for a week
Living in community is hard
Impromptu dance parties are always encouraged

This is my roommates dancing (oh yes) on the couch. Constance, Ashley, Danielle, Ariel, and Emily

My bedtime has extended to 1 AM
God is a lot bigger that I ever though
Its hard to find a good church away from home
My laugh sometimes sounds like a machine gun
When your roommate (or you) says the room will be clean by Wednesday, she really means Friday
Don't walk around campus on a weekend night with a red Dixie cup in your hand-you will be accosted by the campus police
Don't star gaze late at night on a Saturday in the main quad, people will think you are passed out drunk
Its never a good idea to leave your glasses at home...100 miles away
Being real and honest with one another is hard and rewarding

This is Danielle and me.

Loving your roommates when its hard is a good thing
Not everyone likes the same music as I do
When asked nicely, almost any Freshman will let you use their ID to get into the cafeteria
Letters from people are defiantly a good thing
Its not a good idea to use air freshener when you will have an allergy attack
Four gallons of water come out of a sink tap every minute
The book of Daniel is a prophecy book
Pizza is a luxury
Moving out of the dorms is a pain in the butt
Avoid the CSA's at all costs
Quarters are like gold
Make friends with the people who work at Starbucks and you can score free drinks
There are no secrets when you live with five other girls
Caroline Ammann knows everyone and everything about them

The woman herself.

People will not like you for being a Christian
Professors will pick fights with you if they know you are a Christian
Movies with sex in them are overrated
Roommates will make or break your college experience
English papers can be written in an hour but it is not recommended
Its important to actually do the reading for class
Having a kitchen is a wonderful thing
Its funny to make faces at people when they are talking in front of a group of people
The 80's was a great decade...fun to make fun of the dress I mean

The roomies again, we had an 80's birthday party to go to.

Good Gone Bad

2007-05-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to grow up and become a mother and a wife. I can recall all the way back to pre-school when i was standing in line to get back from recess, telling the gril in front of me (who was wearing a purple flower dress) that I wanted to grow up and be a mom. The desire has only progressed since I've realized that boy's arent' really all that bad and taht cooties don't exist. My dream has only been confirmed as many people from friends in high school to college roommates and even some people who I have just met tell me that I will be a wonderful mom. One time I have been told otherwise. A good friend gave me a 4 of 10 on the "Wife Scale." Other than the joke, my odds have seemed pretty good.
This is where reality kicks in. I've only had one boyfriend, a whirlwhind of a relationship that only lasted 6 weeks. Its been almost two and a half years sincec, and I'm still single. At times I've been so unhappy and I cannot even begin to count how many times I've told my roommates, "I just want to be married! I"m ready NOW!" It has been something that I've wrongly placed my identity in. What started out as a dream has turned into a monster of a nightmare that I can't escape from.
Things got to the point where I was only counting down the years until I was going to get married. My thoughts would go wild. I daydreamed about our first house and what our children would look like, what pets we would have, the list could only go on. I was living in a dream world that was slowly eating all my thoughts and energy. I liked it there. I like it because while I was there, I was my own god.
Over Christmas break I finally figured out that I was living a lie. I could not go on playing house, for it was drawing me from my relationship with the One True God, the one who actually deserves to be God. I was not placing my hopes and trust in Him, rather in a false idol of hope in my mind. Its name was Marriage.
I realized that I was terrified of the thought of growing old alone and unmarried. Why would God give me such a desire to be married and not follow through? Why would He want to torment His beloved daughter with a life of loneliness? I believe that my idol, like most that men create, was innocent at first. But also like most sin, it started out little and we begin to build an immunity to it, until we fail to recognize it at all. It is only when we are called out on it or when we realize it ourselves that things start to change. The way it starts is when we take something beautiful which the LORD has created and turn it into something which it is not, or when we use it incorrectly. I was using the idea of marriage incorrectly.
So in turn for repentance of my sins, the LORD replaced my fear of loneliness with a peace that passes all understanding. He gave me peace and trust, knowing that no matter if I marry or not, He is with me. A life with God can never be lonely.

The God Who Suffers

2007-05-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

Suffering has often been looked down upon. It is something that nobody wants, and yet everyone has.
It seems as if, especially from the Christian perspective, that if you are suffering it is because you have done something wrong to offend God or that He is trying to show some unmastered sin in your life. Where does this idea come from? Have we not learned from Job? Have we not remembered Paul's sufferings for the early church? Have we even been so blind to forget Christ our Lord? "Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, Save me from this hour?'" (John 12:27) Christ our Lord suffered much greater than any other man, and what sin did He commit? How did He ever err?
Nowhere in all of scriptures does God promise us a life of wealth, happiness, and prosperity if we follow Him. In fact, He calls us to die to ourselves, to take up our crosses and follow Him. Our God is a God who will ask us to sacrifice ourselves for other people. In order to follow Christ, we must follow in his footsteps. These footsteps did not lead him to comfort, did not lead to temporary happiness, but to death, even the death on a cross. Surely there was joy after this, as Hebrews 2:2 states, "...looking to Jesus as the pioneer and perfect or of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
Jesus goes on to say in John 12:27 "No, it was for this very reason I come to this hour. Father, glorify Thy name!" Why do we not say the same? Father, glorify Thy name in my life. So often we treat God like a generous grandfather, who is once again trying to please his dissatisfied grandchildren. We ask and beg and plead for blessings, forgetting that we must endure temporary suffering so that we may see the joy in the aftermath. Who are we to tell our Creator what is best for us? Does He not know? Does He truly need our counsel in how to direct our lives? Aren't we supposed to be glorifying Him and not the other way around?
God rewards those who lay down their lives. Jesus is proof enough of that. But it is up to us, who claim to be followers and lovers of God, to live for His glory.

The Hatred of Evil

2007-05-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was reading through Proverbs 8 and I came across verse 13: "The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate." As I pondered on the first half of the verse, I realized that I don't really hate evil. If sin is evil, and if I sin, does that mean that I can truly hate it?
Thinking upon my actions and thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I only hate evil when it is done to me or another person. So often I have turned a blind eye to when I am partaking in an evil and sinful act. How can I proclaim to love the Lord and yet still sin? Have I been so prideful? "Yes!" The resounding answer echoes through my head. By our fallen and sinful nature, humans are prideful and rebellious. It is only when we are called lovingly to humble ourselves before the Lord and admit our evil sins that we become holy as He is holy.
Let us lay aside our selfish, prideful hearts and grow in knowledge of Him. Let us allow him to reveal the sins we hold so dear, let us kill those things that keep us far from the love of the Father. For it is His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4) and by His grace that we have been saved (Ephesians 2:5). Let us not accept this grace in vain, but live for others and work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). Let us consider our lives and align them ore closely to that of Christ's.

Wisdom's Call

2007-05-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Does not wisdom call, does not understanding raise her voice? On the heights beside the way, in the paths she takes her stnad; beside the gates in front of the town, at the entrance of the portal she cries..." Proverbs 8:1-3 Wisdom does not call to the poor alone. She does not only delight herself in the elect. Nay, her words are spoken at the city gates, on the top of the mountains, by the roadside beggar. Wisdom, she cries to us all. She asks us to partake in her knowledge, that we may delight in the words of her mouth. We are invited in to listen to words that are true, words tthat will make our souls alive.

God of Roses

2007-05-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

10-12-06

I was on my way to class the other day and I passed a rosebush. Normally I simply glance quickly at the blooms only to continue on my journey without a second thought. But this day was much different than I had expected.
A question entered my mind almost the moment I stepped into the classroom. Why did God create roses? What is so special about them? It seems as if every part of the world, no matter how hot or cold, has a rose. Every major culture seems to have some sort of cliche phrase about them too. Is there significance in this that we are overlooking?
My mind could not focus on the professor. Psychology could not begin to compare with the mystery of the rose. It would not leave, it plagued me like a cold that didn't go away. An answer must be found.
Maybe God created a rose for us to ask the question why. Why would a loving God surround such a thing of beauty with thorns? Maybe so we can liken the rose to our own lives. Maybe God is trying to show a bit of ourselves in His perfect creation. Maybe it is not a mistake. Maybe we are all roses to the Great Gardener.
It is said that every rose has its thorns. The question is not how many or how large they are, but whether or not we are thankful for them. God in no way creates suffering in our lives, but He allows pain to enter so we may be refined. James says that perseverance through trials produces faithfulness and strength. Perhaps the amount of beauty a person possesses depends on the amount of suffering they have endured.
Think again upon the rose. Young buds have no thorns, only the weak beginnings of what may become strong, sharp obstructions protruding from the stems. As the rose matures, its petals grow in size, number, and beauty. Along with the beauty comes mature, thick thorns. The larger the flower, the seemingly more numerous the thorns become.
This leads us to another cliche: there is beauty in the pain. The progression is as thus: as children, we have all tried to handle the rose. Being blinded by the beauty of the blossom, we fail to recognize the pain that will soon occur due to the thorns. We reach for beauty, but we find pain instead. We have now learned a lesson, to examine things carefully before reacting for them. If we try to grasp for the rose again and fail to miss the thorns a second time, we are quickly reminded of our past mistakes. It is now time for us to take it to heart. A lesson was indeed taught, it now must be applied.
As we grow, we can remember where the thorns are in hopes of avoiding them. Sometimes they shift around, sometimes new ones spring up. This is simply a chance for us to learn again. When we are yet even more mature, we have learned where all the thorns reside, and also to double and triple check before reaching out. Our hands have grown tougher, the skin on our fingers thicker. We have learned to admire the beauty of the rose from afar, and to understand the purpose of the thorns. For with the thorns, we learn, in learning we grow. Let us grow in appreciation for the thorns, for they are what teaches us to truly appreciate the bloom.

Sometimes I think I'm an artist...

2007-05-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

This is the fan on the cieling in the Conservatory of Flowers in Golden Gate Park.

This is our friend Kim in some twigs.